Boyfriend Trying to Control Me

Reader’s Question

I am a 21-year-old female and I have been dating my 22-year-old boyfriend for 1 year and 4 months now. I am noticing he has insecurity issues and controlling/possessive characteristics. It really bothers me that he does not want me to do one thing if its social-related yet he does it. If my co-workers invite me out after work hours he asks me if guys will be there. He unfortunately works nights so he does not have as much time to go out with friends as I do. I only go out if he works so I don’t have to sit home alone. I have weekends off and he gets mad if I go out that night with friends even though he is working. It’s like he wants me to stay home while he works. What do I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

He is showing signs of being controlling and possessive and you’re correct — he probably does want you to stay at home while he works. It sounds like he believes in a double standard — he can go out with friends but you are forbidden. This controlling attitude is something that must be addressed in your relationship. The pattern is unhealthy and can become worse. As you have experienced, it’s more than just a controlling attitude. He is telling you how to live socially, then becomes angry when you don’t comply with his demands. If this is not corrected, his controlling behavior will likely increase. At your age, you need to explore your independence, not be given restrictions. If you can’t come to a healthy understanding, he may be too insecure and immature for the type of relationship you want in your life.