Boyfriend Won’t Work or Contribute to the Relationship

Reader’s Question

I just had a few questions regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. I am 23, and he is 25. We have been dating for about 1 year and just moved to Montreal together for school/work purposes. I think my boyfried is bipolar sometimes. He will switch moods very quickly (but not in a violent way) and act very strangely. We moved to Montreal together after he had promised me he would find work. I have paid rent now for 3 months, including all the bills, food etc. without any of his help from my savings. I am a student. Because of this, I had to find a part time job in order to afford everything for him and myself. My boyfriend also looks at porn a few times a week while he stays up late…until 8am. He will then sleep all day. He uses the bit of money his father sends him for beer, and goes through about 3 cases of 12 every week. Our sex life is suffering from this. We only have sex about 2 or 3 times a month. We are both young people and shouldn’t have to suffer from this. I have debabted leaving my boyfriend for a couple months now. I didn’t see this before because I didn’t live with him. The only thing is, is that if I were to kick him out, he would have no place to go, nowhere to live, no money whatsoever etc. Not even enough for a plane ticket home. I don’t think I love him anymore because I feel that all I am doing is taking care of him, like a child. He also has a learning disorder and I feel that I have to “mommy” him. He is the older one, and I am responsible for everything, but would feel guilty for kicking him out because he has no one. We haven’t met anyone in Montreal he could stay with either.

Please, could you tell me what you think? I am at a loss.

Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think you’ve hitched your wagon to a dead horse. His behavior tells us that he is very selfish, immature and has a drinking problem. It also tells us that he is totally comfortable living off you like a parasite. Obviously, he has no concern for how his behavior creates problems for you emotionally and financially. It doesn’t trouble him that you are troubled by the situation. I think you’ll find this is a long-term pattern with him. His father is probably very willing to send him money to live with you as that’s better than Dad taking care of him. You’ll find he has a variety of excuses when confronted about his behavior. A “learning disability”, for example, doesn’t keep anyone from working or contributing. And it doesn’t cause drinking problems.

I think you know what you need to do in this situation. While you may feel guilty for kicking him out because he has no one — he has no one or no friends because he treats them the same way. The fact that he has nowhere to go (he can return home), has no money whatsoever, and nowhere to live is totally his fault. Sadly, it doesn’t bother him at all. He will only be upset when you close his current beer/porno/video/up-all-night vacation. At that point he will plead, promise to change, pretend to look for work, etc. Your best approach is similar to an eviction notice — he has so many days to leave. He could use his beer money for a plane ticket home…or take a bus.

The bottom line — this is a personality issue. It’s not related to you or the relationship. As you discovered, folks with personality problems can “date” fairly well because our contact with them is limited. When you begin living together, it’s impossible to keep a personality problem hidden 24/7. You need to focus on your studies and career, not raising a 25-year-old child.