Wife Can’t Forget a Hurt From 23 Years Ago

Reader’s Question

What can I do to help a person that cannot forget past hurts and blames her husband? What happened is that her husband had this girlfriend before they got married and then they broke up and she and her husband got married. The husband told her that they broke up because the girlfriend cheated on him, but in the mean time the girlfriend was spreading rumors that it is because of her (wife now) that they broke up. Even this girlfriend’s father accused the wife one day in front of a couple of people and also in the presence of the husband that if it was not for her (wife) the husband would have married his daughter. The hardest part for the wife was that the husband did not say a word to defend her (wife), and a lot of people just believed that she was to blame for the break-up. They are married now for 23 years but to this day she cannot forget it. Is there hope for this marriage?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course there’s hope for the marriage — they’re still together after 23 years! If that’s an issue after 23 years of marriage, something else is going on. Many marriages contain a collection of bad memories, bad experiences, old fights, past arguments, and even old sweethearts. While these events are never forgotten, they are mentally filed away and rarely surface again — unless something brings it up.

Old garbage like this can resurface in certain situations. The most common way this happens is when we are depressed. When depressed, our brain searches our memories for just such an event — an old hurt, a traumatic experience, or some unfinished business. It’s one of the ways the brain torments depressed people — playing a mental videotape of the marriage and picking out all the bad experiences and events. If she’s depressed, she’ll be demanding to know why her husband didn’t defend her 23 years ago, or what really happened in that previous relationship, or does he still want to be married to the other woman? The recommended treatment for this situation is the treatment for depression — not the memory.

Another way this situation arises is called Emotional Memory. We might not think of our high school days for months at a time but if we receive an invitation to our high school reunion — then we are suddenly flooded with memories. We begin reviewing the yearbook, listening to songs, etc. If your friend had her memories of those times “triggered” by some event, she will be living in that memory file cabinet for awhile.

Your friend will never forget the hurt of those earlier times. Her goal is to recognize that 23 years later those memories are just that — uncomfortable memories — and have nothing to do with this 23-year-old marriage today. We shouldn’t go everyday thinking and worrying about a tooth we had pulled back in 1974. It was a bad experience for sure, but we are eating OK today.