Loss of Sexual Interest in Marriage

Reader’s Question

I am having problems with non-urges for sexual relations with my husband. We have been married for 15 years. I love my husband and I know he loves me but, I just can’t have sex. There isn’t pain and I went to the doctor and everything is okay, but still I just don’t feel like having sex. Is there medication that I can take that will help me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s a big difference between being “ok” physically/medically and “ok” from an emotional or psychological standpoint. In psychiatric terms, this is a loss of libido or sexual interest. When medical aspects are ok, the most likely causes are things like stress, depression, medication side effects, physical changes (early menopause), and/or changes in the marital relationship.

Stress is very loud in our lives and drowns out the softer feelings like sexual interest, warmth, need for intimacy, etc. Depression can completely wipe out libido…as can the side effects of many medications. Ask yourself:

• Do I have a high level of stress and responsibility at this time (children, bills, job, etc.)?
• Do I have other symptoms of stress and depression such as sleep/appetite problems, crying spells, irritability, etc.?
• Do I have resentment/anger toward my spouse for some reason?
• Am I taking medications that have a loss of libido as a side effect? Have I had a change in medications recently?
• Have I had recent surgery?
• Have I experienced significant stressors in the past two year (death of a loved one, loss of job/career, etc.)?
• Have I experienced any recent upsetting events regarding sex or sexuality (teenager becoming sexually active, sexually approached at work, etc.)?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these, I would recommend a mental health assessment. If you are physically ok, the next step is to check your psychological health. If your loss of libido is related to stress, depression, etc. — we do have medications that can be very helpful.