Can My Boyfriend Accept My Friendship with My Ex?

Reader’s Question

I broke up with my partner a year ago after an 8 year relationship. It was a very amicable separation after both of us decided that our lives were heading in different directions. We decided to remain friends and my ex also continues to have strong links with my family.

I started dating a man a few months ago which quickly became a serious relationship and we are very happy. However, he has issues about my friendship with my ex-partner. I understand how it must feel for my new boyfriend but he has asked me not to meet socially with my ex. I feel that I have a very strong bond with my ex, and almost perceive him to be more like a brother to me than an ex-boyfriend.

Am I being selfish wanting my new boyfriend to accept this friendship, or should I withdraw further from my ex in order to make my new boyfriend feel more comfortable?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This issue often surfaces after a divorce, break-up, and/or during child visitation. New partners often view the “ex” as a threat to their on-going relationship. This threat increases, in their view, when the ex remains in close contact with you and your family. There are three themes that help fix this situation:

Making the New Partner Feel Safe:

To help build trust and make the new partner feel safe, you must operate as a team with the new partner. This means not meeting your ex alone for any reason — no lunch, no dinner, etc. It also means open communication if necessary — no private emails, calls, etc. In situations where the ex may be present, again emphasize that you and the new partner are a team — as though both of you are talking to the ex in a social situation. In child visitation, for example, the new relationship (as a team) drops off and picks up the children, talks to the ex about school concerns, etc. Once the new partner feels safe and comfortable, the need to operate as a team may reduce.

Maintaining the Role:

Every social group has a table of organization (TO), including families. In your current family TO, your ex is directly connected to you, no matter when or whom he calls, visits, etc. Your new partner must be placed in the “significant other” or “my sweetheart” position on the family TO. This means always representing him as your partner to all family members. It also means not inviting your ex to any family function (holidays, birthday parties, etc.). If your ex wants to maintain a relationship with your family members, he must do that on his own — totally separate from his prior relationship with you.

Be Careful About Your Memories:

If we’re not hostile toward our ex, their physical presence can create some unintentional problems. We create thousands of emotion-carrying memories during a relationship. In the physical presence of that person, many of those memories resurface. If the memories are warm and positive — we “light up” in their presence, like seeing an old friend. If we’re not careful, we find ourselves calling them pet/affectionate names, physically touching them, etc. If you’re the new boyfriend — this becomes quite a show! When this happens, you may not be clearly aware of it as it’s automatic from a brain standpoint. This happens all the time, often prompting bad feelings with the person in your spot responding “What did I do?” Try to stay alert, polite, and mannerly if you see your ex in public. Emotional Memories (article on this website) can get you into trouble.

Overall, your new partner can accept the presence of your ex, but with some effort, time and understanding.