Awkward Relationship at Work

Reader’s Question

I am a 23 years old girl who works in a small company owned by the husband of my mother’s cousin. He is 39 and we have been involved in a relationship for more than a year now.

The awkward thing is that I don’t have any feelings for him; I just feel frustrated (knowing my place in his life) and confused. I don’t want him to divorce or anything like that, I know there is no future for us. I feel as if I am somewhere on the outside just looking at what is happening (like in an experiment). I also know he meets with other women, but that doesn’t affect me, since he has his own life and I have mine. I dated others too, but I have only had sexual relationships with him (which I don’t enjoy much) and I also have never been in true love with anyone.

The only important thing to me is that I started my sexual life with him; but, unfortunately, I haven’t been able to have a real orgasm and actually enjoy it (probably due to my mind which knows about how things really are). Sometimes he can be so warm (when he wants to sleep with me), sometimes he is so cold. Anyway, I know that, no matter what, he will go back to his home and wife… Still, why am I continuing this? (We have to lie and hide in order to be together.) This I cannot understand; I cannot understand myself. I have strong beliefs in life, and would have never accepted such thing. So why am I doing the opposite?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While your current relationship with this man is awkward and uncomfortable, it’s your only available outlet for sexual expression. As you’ve discovered, an outlet for sexual expression can become somewhat addictive. This gets people into trouble all the time. It’s also important to remember that sexual expression involves more than an orgasm and includes being treated warmly, physical touch, a loss of inhibitions, and social excitement. At this time in your life, you’ve also created a sexual outlet that is safe — he’s not going to demand marriage, etc. It is a very limited, and partial relationship. As you date and develop romantic feelings for another person, eventually developing intimacy, you can detach from this man and continue with an age-appropriate and socially-appropriate relationship.