Loss of Sexual Interest in a Recent Marriage

Reader’s Question

My husband and I used to have a pretty active sexual life when we were dating, but even since we got married our sexual life has been definitely affected. We have been married for almost two years and he only makes love to me once a week. Sometimes we go weeks without having sex and he doesn’t seem to care. I have tried talking to him to see what is wrong, but he never gives me an answer. I think this is affecting our relationship. I really miss being intimate with him. It is me who usually tries to set the mood for us to be intimate, but he rejects me most of the time. I am tired of this situation and I don’t know what to do about it; I feel very insecure and depressed. Can you please help me with some advice??

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Our sexual interest can be influenced by a variety of factors. In new marriages, the problem is often a high level of responsibility or stress in the marriage. This level of stress doesn’t need to be related to our partner but may be associated with financial, extended family, work, and other issues. Stress probably decreases our sexual interest more than anything. Has he experienced significant changes or stressors in the past two years? Keep in mind that positive experiences such as a job promotion are highly stressful as well.

Another possibility is depression in your husband. Sometimes that stress mentioned above creates a depression. Depression would produce not only a lack of sexual interest, but a lack of interest in everything. He would experience sleep problems, fatigue, social withdrawal, appetite problems, and even physical complaints. This type of stress-produced depression is very gradual and may be difficult to acknowledge. People with this type of depression feel bad but don’t know why…they can’t pinpoint any specific reason to be depressed, have no sexual interest, or be socially withdrawn.

Continue to talk to him about the situation, but focus on the sexual interest as one aspect of the issue…not the major concern. Express your concern that he seems to be fading away from you. People who lose sexual interest also lose their humor, their social interactions, and their future plans. Mention those things and how you’re concerned. Emphasize that you’ll approach this as a marital team. Suggest consultation with his physician or even a mental health consultation if clear depression symptoms are present. If we take a wide-angle view, the loss of sexual interest may be only one of the changes taking place in his life.

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