Should I Detach from an Abusive Father?

Reader’s Question

I am 31 now but growing up my Dad was abusive. Some physical but mostly verbal, emotional and mental. Both my sister and I had found it in our hearts to forgive him and accept his apology and move on. Recently my father went back to his old ways of mental and verbal abuse. He now insists we were horrible kids who didn’t have it bad and “We” need help as it is us who is sick not him. We decided to just not have a relationship with him. Some people feel this is wrong as he is blood. I feel that after all I have accomplished by overcoming severe low self esteem which led to horrible anxiety disorder and depression not to mention a string of very abusive relationships in my 20’s, I am finally in a place where I truly realise I deserve respect and love.

My question is this, when a family member hurts us, is not sorry nor feels shame and tries to place blame back on one heart and head, is it wrong to just walk away from them even if it means forever?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you’ve discovered, loving and forgiving someone doesn’t protect us from who they are, how they behave, and any danger they pose to us. You have a right to protect yourself from physical, verbal, and mental abuse — no matter how the abuser is related to you. People employ different strategies in your situation. One strategy is to detach from your father and his abusive behavior, recognizing that he is still a danger to your self-esteem and that he is more invested in protecting his pride than his children’s emotional health.

Another strategy might be keeping him at a safe distance. It’s like having a pet tiger — we love it but we still keep it in a cage around the house. We respect it’s ability to harm us and those around us. A safe distance is accomplished by visiting Dad only in teams or in family events, have no personal conversations with him — everything is casual, end all discussions and leave when his abusive comments surface, and make your position known to the famliy that you will no longer tolerate his behavior.

Another option is to recognize that your father has an abusive personality — always has…always will. It’s not related to you or your sister, it’s related to his personality. Individuals like your father are often antisocial or narcissistic personality disorders who:

1. never accept personal responsibility for their behavior,
2. have an incredible sense of entitlement and demand for respect…though not worthy of it, and
3. are nearly totally selfish in their relationships with those around them.

If your self-esteem and self-confidence are high enough, you can take this approach, much like employees who work in a prison recognize that the inmates are abusive…but they don’t pay attention to it. If your self-esteem is not quite there yet, don’t use this option as your father will emotionally batter you if you can’t remain detached and recognize that he’s a chronic abuser.

I’d recommend using whatever approach feels best for you. Keep in mind that others will have their own opinion. Many people have wonderful advice on situations that aren’t related to them…it’s how they think they would handle it. In truth, you are doing what normal, healthy folks do…recognizing that your father is abusive, that he poses a danger to your emotional health, and that you need to develop a strategy to deal with the situation. You’re on the right track.