Stockholm Syndrome in a Professional Relationship?

Reader’s Question

I am a new Chaplain and am trying to understand some of the hallmarks of Stockholm Syndrome. Twenty years ago I studied and fellowshipped under a Pastor who was very good at convincing others of their need for him. He is quite gifted and holds a PhD in psychology. It was difficult for me to leave this fellowship and I experienced some anxiety attacks when doing so.

Recently I have re-contacted this Pastor, however after meeting him again some of my old anxiety has returned. I was surprised by this, and confronted him about my feelings. I know that he was initially defensive, and have yet to hear back from him concerning his partnering with me in Ministry.

Do you have any advice for me in reestablishing this relationship?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we experience an emotional event — positive or negative — the brain stores the emotion with the memory. This is why we smile when talking about a pleasant experience. We don’t smile when doing math calculations. This is called Emotional Memory (see article on this website). Your early experience with this Pastor produced some very uncomfortable emotional reactions, including anxiety and probably intimidation. While you recovered and moved on, recontacting him and especially meeting him recalled those Emotional Memories — making you relive the earlier anxiety. Emotional Memory gives people trouble on a daily basis…but it’s also the brain mechanism that creates our most wonderful memories and recollections. When bored, we can recall wonderful memories and actually feel the joy, calm, love, etc. in those memories.

You’ll need to recognize that you have uncomfortable Emotional Memories with this Pastor. They may impair your ability to reform a relationship with him. If you want to repair these memories, I’ve described how that can be done in my Emotional Memory article. Also keep in mind that he’s unlikely to have changed and you are at-risk for developing anxiety again due to his style or personality. Any future relationship with him will need to be adult-to-adult and professional-to-professional rather than student-to-mentor. He may also have hesitation to join in a relationship where he is not the controlling member.