Making Memories with a 3-Month-Old Daughter

Reader’s Question

I have 3 month old daughter who lives with her mom. I live about 50 miles away. I’ve had no problem going up there to visit. The problem is my parents and I would like to have her to ourselves to be able to create memories with her and spend alone time with her. Mom says no because it causes too much stress on her and that her memory isn’t developed enough yet anyway. What we ask is when they come down for a doctor’s appointment, bring her over for an hour or two. They only come down twice a month, if that. I know there is some substance to this but is it enough for us to not be able to spend that kind of time with her?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Memories and parental bonding are a two-way street. While your daughter may have no future recollection of your visits at the age of three months — you will have those memories. You have a right to make memories of your daughter’s infancy — memories for you to keep. Traveling with infants is very stressful but as times passes, I would encourage you to establish scheduled visitation with your daughter if allowed by the courts. I don’t know of many mothers who would leave their 3 month-old child with anyone for an extended period. If you make the visitations pleasant and the child’s mother feels comfortable, contact times with the child can be increased. This will be a slow process.

It’s often helpful to establish a communication link with the mother — related only to the child. If the mother has email, for example, you might purchase and give her a digital camera, encouraging her to take frequent pictures of the child and send them to you. The best possible situation for the child is when you and her mother have a good, working relationship.

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