Loser Boyfriend Suddenly Changes…Is This For Real?

Reader’s Question

I have been reading the articles “Are you Dating a Loser” and the Stockholm Syndrome. I can identify some of these behaviours and patterns in my current relationship. We have been together for 6 years and have a four year old son. About 3 weeks ago I confessed that I was attracted to another man and that I wanted to break up so I could pursue it. The past year has been horrible. My partner went back to his family home for the first time in 10 years and it triggered depression and he became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my son. He was impossible to reason with. I’ve never argued with anyone like I’ve argued with him. He was always a bit of a depressed, distracted mess before this but not nasty. Back then he would have a big violent outburst about once a year which he would regret in the morning. But since the visit “home” he was drinking more and exploding every few weeks and sometimes we would have weeks of tension. I must have run away from home to my friend’s at least half a dozen times. His alcoholic brother living with us was probably influencing him with the drinking.

My partner saw a psychologist for about 3 months earlier this year and it only seemed to make him worse! The psychologist said his symptoms presented a textbook case of PTSD.

Since I told him that I met another man he has suddenly changed. He had been unemployed for 18 months but found a good job within 3 days. He’s bought me roses, written love letters, has been doing things around the house that he never did before even on his best days! He’s given up the computer game addiction and is spending more time with our son. He says that he’s just snapped out of his depression. He didn’t realise before that he was doing so little and leaving so much up to me. He honestly thought he was doing everything he could. Since his brother moved out he’s back to drinking more normally. He hasn’t shouted at me once and he’s keen to tell me every moment he can that he wants to be the perfect boyfriend and wants to marry me.

Can I trust this? It just seems so weird. I’ve never heard of a turn around so quick outside of the movies! By the time he had his epiphany, I had already left the relationship. I don’t really want to trust him because I don’t want to invest only to get abused again, and there is the other guy who I think likes me too but is keeping a respectful distance for now. I am scared. On the other hand, this is what I had always hoped for and worked for with him. I just never thought it would be so dramatic, or that I would have to put up with so much to get here. Can you tell me, could this possibly be real? Or is it just another illusion?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

His change in behavior might be a temporary reaction, a type of honeymoon period, or he may have realized how valuable the relationship was to him. It’s hard to tell. In such situations, I often recommend that folks place the relationship on a type of probation, that is, give the relationship a number of months to see if the change is going to continue. Most people can be on good behavior for a few months. If he’s been drinking heavily, unemployed for 18 months, and has multiple Loser characteristics, it’s actually unlikely that this is a permanent change. Amazing things do happen but I’d be careful about thinking this is a permanent change in his entire personality and attitude. Caution is very appropriate here.