Loss of Intimacy After Arrival of a Baby Three Years Ago

Reader’s Question

Ever since I had a baby (3 years ago) my husband and I lost our intimacy. I was too tired and sex went out the window. Now my husband feels lonely and left out. He even thinks that I don’t love him anymore. I really do love him and try to make some time for him but it is not enough. What should I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is a pretty common situation. You will need to reactivate your relationship as a couple. This may include having “dates” where the child remains at a babysitter. If he’s feeling left out, imagine filming your evenings with a camcorder — what would we see? Are you focusing most of your energy on the child? Feeling “left out” is also feeling excluded. Is he involved in the child’s parenting? Remember that the family situation is healthy as long you and your husband remain healthy as a couple.

It’s also possible that your husband has emotionally faded away during this busy three-year period. Is he having more work or personal stresses lately? Might he be depressed? Feeling left out and nothing works is often a depressive symptom.

Talk to him. Discuss the need to make your relationship active again. Schedule couple-only times. Look at those things that often impair intimacy such as fatigue, resentment, stress, depression, etc. Try to get more rest for more energy later. Consider marriage counseling if the situation dosen’t improve through your efforts.

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