19 Year Old Daughter Wants to Move in With Online Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

My daughter is 19 (will be 20 in a month). She met a man online this past January and has been talking to him every day by telephone and computer. She now says she loves him and he loves her. He lives 3 hours away from us (we are in NY) and lives in a very secluded part of his town. She wanted to meet with him and I told her he was not allowed to stay at my house, so she moved out to her aunt’s apartment to be “independent” — but it was for him to come here and stay 5 days. My daughter has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and impulsiveness, she is a former cutter and she had an eating disorder. She has been to counseling for the past 10 years and on many different meds. She finally has been on a combination of three meds that are working great. She started them around this past April. The clincher of this is — the guy is 30 years old (will be 31 a week after her birthday) and he wants her to move in with him. He also lives with his dad, and his older brother who all are alcoholics and don’t work. They are all on disability (nothing against that, my daughter is on SSI), and this man told her that she doesn’t have to worry about a thing, he will “take care” of her. She is fighting me tooth and nail about this. By the way, she moved back in with me after her “boyfriend” left. Her argument is that she is an adult, and she loves him. I’ve met him, and he is not good for her; in his words, he is a former drug addict and recovering alcoholic (he only drinks 3 beers a month now!!). She has a new therepist, and has only seen her once. Her next appointment is in a week. I am at the end of my rope. I do not want her to move in with this guy, as I am afraid something may happen. She is not herself anymore, she is becoming very violent and verbally abusive to me. What can I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I would agree that your daughter is moving toward a bad situation. This will make her life more unstable, despite her current medications and treatment. I would recommend that she seek the guidance of her therapist and psychiatrist as she is unlikely to take your advice. If she moves in with them, the situation will probably not last long. She will exhibit the same verbal abuse and violence in that living situation — perhaps even more so. As she becomes unable to tolerate them — they will become unable to tolerate her. Sadly, she may return home in an unstable psychiatric state which may require additional psychiatric and therapist support in the community. Recommend that she maintain close ties with her therapist and psychiatrist as this would allow them to monitor her emotional status during this experimental attempt at independence.

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