Getting Depressed Again…What Should I Do?

Reader’s Question

I’m a man (41) and I have been in a very difficult relationship for many years. Most likely this person suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. She is high functioning, and able to stay in a demanding job. The story of my relationship is very long, but looking back it’s obvious to me that I have been in an abusive relationship for half my life, with the last two years more extreme than the previous. My ex wife is extremely controlling, unpredictable, inflexible, gets very angry over anything and has never admitted any mistakes. She broke my self-esteem totally and by that I was unable to do something about my situation for many years. I must add that I have two children with this woman, which of course made my decision to leave even more difficult.

During the last phase of my marriage I started in counselling and I started using Zoloft. I gradually grew stronger and my therapist made me understand that basically I’m an OK person and that my problems were caused by very extreme and abnormal behaviour by my wife. I had already looked into literature about BPD, and found so many matches.

About 9 months ago I left my wife. It was very difficult with a lot of controversy, but I handled it. During this summer I started dating a wonderful woman and we are very good together. She has two kids and has experienced a difficult divorce about 6 months before mine. We decided to “go slowly” with the relationship and not involve the kids for the time being. During last summer I very gradually quit using Zoloft (I took my last fraction of a pill in July) and I found that very difficult. I actually experienced the worst side effects during tapering off the medication and after I quit. But eventually it got better, but my trouble sleeping remained.

Then, about a month ago, a dramatic incident occurred when my girl-friend’s ex husband was killed in an accident. It has been very hard on her — and on me… We have been seeing each other just a couple of times since this happened and otherwise we just exchange text messages. I have been feeling more and more depressed and anxious lately — also feeling that I “need” to see her. When I do see her, I feel a lot better and the feeling lasts some days. She is coping, but her energy seems to be very low. I hate feeling “needy”, and I don’t want to do anything that can jeopardize the relationship, i.e., I don’t want to make her have to relate to my needs in her present situation.

I don’t know what to do. It seems that I’m getting more and more depressed, without being able to identify the reason. I can’t have my well being rely on a wonderful, but still uncertain relationship, and I’m considering getting back on Zoloft to get on top of things again. On the other hand, I hate the thought of it…considering the side effects and the fact that I want to do without it.

I suspect that my depression has to do with the stress from my abusive relationship and that I need to do something. I would be thankful for any advice or thoughts.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is a difficult time for both of you. The death of her ex-husband has flooded her with Emotional Memory (see article on this website), creating significant depression and guilt. She will also be emotionally overwhelmed as she attempts assist her children through the bereavement process. At the same time, you’ve not only lost a good relationship, but will be experiencing a resurfacing of your depression. Can this be any worse…yes it can. On top of that, all this is happening during the recovery period of both divorces. The normal recovery time for a divorce is about 18 months so both of you were in the process of not only building your relationship, but recovering from your divorces as well.

The depression experienced by both of you will also stir up Emotional Memory of your previous relationship. You’ll experience a sudden loss of self-esteem and feel you are relapsing. This is where the “needy” part comes in.

Recommendations:

1. Return to the Zoloft. If you were taking a fraction of a pill, it wasn’t at a therapeutic dose anyway but you know it works for you. You’ll need the emotional strength for both you and your friend.
2. Maintain contact with her. Expect her to ventilate and discuss her ex as she’s being flooded with memories and regrets at this point. Be a good listener and don’t take her ex-related discussions personally or feel they are related to your relationship with her.
3. Offer low-stress personal contacts — over dinner, meet at the mall, etc. She’s feeling her emotional control is very precarious at this time and will be fearful of being alone where she might become upset. Protect her by offering low-stress, intense-discussion free settings. The key theme in your contacts with her should be “Hold on Loosely” — assisting and supporting her from a safe distance, like the fellow who stands under a trapeze artist…just in case.
4. Read my article on Emotional Memory to understand how this situation will prompt “old feelings” in both of you.
5. This current situation is not a call to return to your own abusive relationship. Keep in mind that her situation is extremely stressful and she will need lots of understanding.