Boyfriend of 13 Years Addicted to Websites?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend of 13 years and I hit a snag in our relationship, both emotionally and physically, about 3 years ago. We stayed together and it was only within the past 6 months that I found out he had been seeing another woman and having an affair with her — I confronted him and he said it was over. I tried to rekindle our physical relationship with him but he kept giving me excuses (stress, tired, guilt over the affair, etc.). I found out again that he had rekindled the physical relationship with this woman. Again he told me it was over and I am trying to believe him. I have asked him to go to counseling but he is not fully committed to this yet. I have now found out that he has been visiting online computer porn sites and viewing sex online. I don’t know if I should confront him at this time. It is very upsetting and I cannot understand why he would be doing this and am afraid he may become addicted to these porn sites. Can you suggest what I should do at this point?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Right off the bat, if he’s been your “boyfriend” for 13 years you’re far beyond the “snag” point. I don’t want to be harsh, but this is a stagnant relationship. Based on his behavior, he’s using the relationship as a type of home base — venturing from there to other relationships and now the Internet. Focusing on the Internet and a possible addiction to porn sites misses the point that for the last three years he has detached himself from the romantic aspects of the relationship with you. In a way, he’s left…but just hasn’t moved out. He may be physically staying in the relationship for reasons other than those associated with a romantic relationship. My sense is that he may be immature or not have a level of commitment that would create a loving, healthy relationship.

I seriously doubt that he will participate in counseling. Worse, he may continue to physically stay in the relationship yet continue to pursue his options outside the relationship. In this situation, I often recommend that we place the relationship on “probation” — that is, set up a time frame (2, 4, 6 months) and work hard to fix the situation. If by the end of the probation period, things are worse or unchanged, then you need to prepare for your departure. After 13 years, a significant change is highly unlikely. He is obviously comfortable with the situation that he has, despite your emotional distress. I think you deserve more than this.

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