I’ve Realized My Husband Has Asperger’s

Reader’s Question

I have decided, after much research and reading seven books in the past two weeks, that the problems in my 32-year marriage to a fellow Ph. D. scientist are due to him having Asperger’s Syndrome. Something clicked.

I have felt all along something was wrong; he is very high-functioning, and basically a good man — but he meets criterion after criterion in the diagnostic sections of all these books. I think I now realize that the reason the courtship behavior stopped instantly after the wedding is that aspies know they have to behave a certain way to woo — they are good mimics. The whole thing has always left me feeling like 1) I was crazy, and 2) I was torturing this quiet introspective shy man by trying to get him to talk to me/work with me on planning/enjoy even small social events. The truth is that what I wanted in a mate is the stuff he cannot — not will not — give: empathy, sharing, communication, problem solving. He can’t give me what he doesn’t have. I have joked with him that his idea of hell is my idea of heaven — and I explain, but still get a blank look back.

My plan is to get therapy for myself, but my questions are: should I tell him? How should I tell him (he is a teacher, not dangerous, and I don’t want to get him in trouble)? I’m afraid of what a formal diagnosis in his medical files might do to his ability to teach/get another job.

And how much should I tell our three brilliant, science-oriented children (they get some of it from both of us) — both for them helping him if something happens to me, and because they should have genetic counseling before they have kids? Plus I see a few, very few fortunately, signs in them — and it scares the hell out of me and makes me very angry that I might have unwittingly passed on this life-altering condition.

Thanks. Will be watching for your recommendations.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your plan sounds like a good one. When our spouse has Asperger’s, we are left with a feeling of confusion, wondering why our relationship doesn’t work like those around us. As you know from your research, Asperger’s is often found in highly educated folks, especially those in the sciences. The largest number of Asperger’s children per population are to be found in the Silicon Valley area in the US, home to the computer engineers and programmers. As you know, despite their professional successes, they have significant difficulties in social interaction and social skills. I have worked with many folks with Asperger’s — both as my patients and as co-workers. A physician with Asperger’s once ask me to teach him to “small talk” as he felt he may be lacking in that area. This was the same fellow that had his mother’s brain frozen, sliced and placed in slides (after her death of course) in an effort to study the effects of her cerebral vascular strokes on her speech pattern.

Should you tell him…probably not. You can joke with him about it but your understanding of his situation will be more valuable than informing him of his condition. With the children, you have now become the official interpreter. You will be required to interpret their father’s behavior as it also becomes confusing to them. If they develop Asperger’s-like symptoms, you will be required to educate them about the condition and offer recommendations based on your studies. Keep in mind that their signs may be due to modeling Dad’s behavior. Over time, you may be asked to translate emotional and behavioral situations, at that time providing some education regarding the nature of Asperger’s.

Asperger’s is life-altering but also a two-sided coin. While it creates significant issues in social relationships and emotional functioning, the narrow-minded focus of Asperger’s has produced significant contributions to our society. Many major developments in history are attributed to people now felt to have Asperger’s such as Charles Darwin, Einstein, Mozart, and even Thomas Jefferson. You have been given the responsibility to emotionally and socially educate your children. I’d focus on their need for those areas of education and support.