Losing a Niece in a Family Breakup

Reader’s Question

I am interested in a child’s best interest here; I hope you can help. My name is A. I’m 20 years old and going to school to become an elementary school teacher and special ed teacher. Here’s the situation. My sister was engaged to someone and had a baby with this man. This man had a child of his own that is 6 1/2 with someone else. They have been together for a little over two years. They now currently aren’t seeing each other anymore. My sister and this guy lived together with their baby and had his other daughter on the weekends. She was welcomed into my family as if she was one of our own. I grew very close to this little girl, she loved me and my family. I took her places like the movies with my other nephew and spent time painting her nails and watching her. Every holiday and birthday since they have been together I have purchased tons of gifts for her. The little girl’s mother does hit her once in a while and I beleive neglects her, and her father tried for custody but failed. My sister and her mother hate each other. My sister and her father are on OK terms, but my family hates him. I am unsure how to handle this situation with my niece. Even if they will be broken up for good I still would like to see her. I think it would be extremely sad for this little girl to lose family that she got to know and love. My sister and some family members may disagree with me. I know it’s only been a few years but should I just completely stop the connection with her? I don’t want her to feel as if she lost our family or is she too little to really care? I want make the right choice for her because I feel her life is already messed up and I don’t want to add to it. However, I do feel my family was the most stable. Thank you for your time, I have been conflicted with this problem for some time now. Just want to make the right choices.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is one of the heart-breaking consequences of relationships that don’t work out. You and your niece have formed a relationship and as you suggest, that’s very healthy. The problem is everyone hating everyone else around her.

In this type of situation there are two types of relationships with the niece. First is a direct relationship where you attempt to see and maintain contact with the child on a face-to-face basis. Given the hostility of this situation, that’s not recommended. Your attempts to maintain contact with the child would be viewed as threatening or intrusive, especially to her mother.

I would recommend option #2 — a piggyback relationship. In a piggyback relationship, you can maintain contact with your niece through your sister (hence, riding piggyback). You can accompany your sister to visits if permitted, send her cards or small gifts with your sister, and otherwise let her know that she is loved. When we do this, the child often contacts us as they become older to establish a better, more adult relationship. This method is usually not considered a threat to the this-family-hates-that-family dynamics. A piggyback relationship, in my opinion, is your best option to maintain contact if your sister and the child’s father maintain some level of a cooperative and healthy relationship.

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