My Mother Prefers My Sister to Me

Reader’s Question

I don’t know how to describe my case. I believe my mother hates me. Since I was a baby, she mistreats me, either with words, reproaches, or debasing looks. She always preferred my sister to me. However, I did and always do my best to win her love. I obey all her orders and demands. I always act as “the good girl”, but I’m finally kicked. She always embarrasses me in front of people. She always make me non-confident. Whenever I tell her “you don’t love me”, she calls me crazy. Am I crazy? Am I just imagining things? Am I sick?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s very likely that you are seeing things clearly. While parents are “supposed” to love and treat their children equally, that’s rarely the case in reality. Parents, teachers, and almost everyone who interacts with people have favorites as well as those on the bottom of the list. Your mother may have developed this attitude due to a personality clash, you look too much like your father (if she dislikes him!), or she may have a mean-spirited personality. In truth, this is more your mother’s issue than yours. Being an adult doesn’t automatically make you a “good parent”. Many immature, mean-spirited, and sarcastic teenagers grow up to become immature, mean-spirited, and sarcastic adult parents.

It’s also possible that your mother has used this style of relating to you to control you…and it’s worked. Some parents control their children with support and love, guilt, physical intimidation, money, their own physical illnesses, etc. If you’ve become the “good girl” — then her style has worked…at least from your mother’s standpoint. I’ve worked with parents who never let their children be 100% successful, never praise them, and buy them objects rather than telling them they are loved. Many parents use the method of parenting their parents used on them. That causes all kinds of problems.

In truth, because of your mother’s personality, you may never receive anything different from her. It’s your mom’s problem, not yours. We can love our pet dog with all our heart, but it will never speak English. It just doesn’t have it…and your mother may not have it. Recognize that you can’t be first place for Mom, but you can be first place in your career, with your partner, your children, and your life. While it would be nice to have your mother’s approval and support, you don’t need it to be successful. Develop your self-esteem on your own and become your own person. You’re not sick at all but you do need to stop trying for her approval and become the person that you approve of!

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