Sister Has A Different View of Our Shared Childhood

Reader’s Question

How do I respond to a sister who has a different view of our parents, and our adulthood interactions with each other? We are 4 sisters, and I feel we are far too old to be squabbling about the past. She is the eldest of us and insists that we see it all her way.

Thanks for any advice.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your sister probably doesn’t have a “different” view — she has her view. While everyone has their own view of things, most folks don’t want the squabble or trouble of debating about it. Your sister has purposefully decided to argue, squabble, fuss, and challenge everyone. There may be several reasons for this such as

1. she enjoys bullying people,
2. she uses this behavior to maintain herself as the center of attention,
3. she resents how her life as turned out and wants to blame your parents, or
4. she is ventilating some anger/bitterness/resentment in her life.

If this is a long-standing pattern, it’s likely to be part of her personality by this point. However, if this is a recent development, then it’s likely your sister is depressed.

When depressed, our brain does a mental review of our life. We become preoccupied with past events, focusing on the negative events of our life. If she focuses on old hurts and resentments, especially directed at specific events with each sister, depression is very likely. If depressed, she will also be reporting the physical symptoms of depression such as physical misery, sleep problems, chronic fatigue, etc.

If this is personality at work, change is very unlikely. Your best approach is to not participate in the squabbles and when they surface, politely change the subject. If she insists on bullying you into these discussions of the past, minimize the time spent on the discussion and move on or leave. If she’s got a resentful chip-on-the-shoulder, there’s nothing you can say that will fix that. On the other hand, if you feel she might be experiencing depression, recommend consultation with her physician to begin a treatment program.