Mom Doesn’t Approve of My College Friends

Reader’s Question

I have a huge problem. I love my mother dearly, she’s my best friend and my idol. The problem is, she’s too controlling. I’m 21 years old, I shall be 22 in a couple of months, and I can’t seem to shake my mother’s controlling behavior. I’ve never really had a lot of friends in High school, girlfriends for that matter. I never had a best-friend I could tell all my secrets to, so I guess you could say I looked to my mother. Recently, now that I’m in college I’ve met some cool people, and I’m starting to go out a lot more, and do things a 21 year old female such as myself should do. However, my mother doesn’t approve of my friends. She doesn’t have a reason not to. She gets mad when I say I’m going to hang out. It’s getting to the point where I want to lie to her, just so she’ll be appeased. All my life, I’ve done everything she’s ever asked me to do. I went to the college she wanted me to go to, I never went to parties, I don’t drink. In my eyes, I’m the perfect daughter. How can I get her to let me live my life, without disappointing her?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s two sides to every coin. When you made your mother your best friend, she made you her best friend as well. She now senses that you are moving away from that relationship. While your friends may be wonderful people, she is threatened by their influence and relationship with you — not because they’re bad, but because they are taking your time and involvement away from her. Keep in mind, the problem is not your behavior…it’s that your behavior is changing the relationship with her. It’s like your mother is fearing the loss of her best friend. Importantly, she may not recognize her situation, only the feelings she gets when you have behaviors that threaten the relationship such as hanging out with friends. This is why she becomes angry/jealous even though there is no reason for it. In her mind, there’s a reason for it, but she may not be able to tell what it is…she just feels upset.

To deal with the situation, you first need to recognize what it is. It’s not a problem with you or your friends. It’s not a problem with your behavior — which is normal for a college student. Don’t take it personally, and remember that the issues are actually a transition from your relationship with Mom as best friends to something else. Mom is having trouble with the transition.

Begin to separate the relationship with your mother and your friends. Have special calls/contacts/visits with Mom and make her understand that the relationship is special — “I can’t talk to my friends about these things….”. She will be very concerned about the intimacy of your communication with your friends — what you talk about, do you share your dreams, etc. Assure her that you talk about college stuff. Mom still wants to be your #1 friend and if you use that model, you can help her transition to her being your Mom and the other people being your college friends.

Remember that the situation might have been reversed several years ago if your mother suddenly didn’t have time for you and became more interested in her social friends of her age. With some understanding and transition time, a healthy separation between Mom and friends can develop.