Teen Daughter Being Controlled by Loser Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

We have a 16 year old daughter whose first boyfriend is an 18 year-old overly-controlling “Loser”. We have sent her to a boarding school in the States (we work overseas) in an attempt to get her away from him as he is also overseas in our community until he graduates in June 2008. Unfortunately, he still dominates her and remains in close contact with our daughter through phone, e-mail, messaging, etc. He encourages her to isolate herself from her friends and family and instructs her not to join in any school activities where she might interact with any males. We know that he feels threatened by her even having close friendships with other girls. Our relationship with her is very strained at the moment. The problem is escalating now as we have heard that he is requesting pornographic pictures from her and we are afraid that she may oblige. What can we do to help her and get the situation under control? A year ago this kind of activity would have never crossed her mind or our minds, but he has changed her much for the worse. She likes the school she is in now and is doing very well academically. We’re looking for advice on how to handle this situation in such a way that pornography does not become an issue and our daughter remains in school. Of course, ultimately we’re hoping that our daughter realizes that this sort of behavior is unacceptable and that being in a relationship with this boy is not healthy. It seems to us that we may likely have to move her to a special school where she is unable to communicate 24/7 with the “Loser”. Do you have any advice on such schools or advice regarding our situation?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your email, I assume you’ve read my article on Identifying Losers on this website. It would also be helpful to read the article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It offers strategies for families.

Obviously, this is a controlling/possessive boyfriend. His influence is amplified by the fact that it’s her first boyfriend. Our first loves are always dramatic because the new feelings, behaviors, etc. are exciting and energizing. Teenagers have much difficulty projecting behaviors into adulthood — how would these controlling behaviors be in a marriage, for example? I’d express my concern about her obtaining a well-rounded educational and social experience — joining lots of clubs, organizations, etc. Emphasize that she has hundreds of options for her future and that she can experiment with them to see what she likes. We generalize from that to suggest that taking a science course doesn’t lock you into a career in astronomy. Having a boyfriend at sixteen doesn’t lock you into a long-standing relationship with him. In truth, one study suggests the average person dates about seven people before finding their handsome prince or beautiful princess. Before we find them, however, we kiss a lot of frogs.

Recognize that as long as you are emphasizing the negatives, she will be drawn to the boyfriend, as he is giving out both orders and controls…as well as promises of eternal love. You must be offering encouragement and positive communications as much as he does. Keep in mind that he’s telling her that her parents are trying to ruin this wonderful relationship and trying to keep them apart. If she has to defend the relationship a lot, she’ll slip deeper into it (Stockholm Syndrome article). Rather, by emphasizing her options and potential, we show other possible opportunities in life rather than a situation where we are being told what to do.

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