Counseling After Leaving a Religion

Reader’s Question

I am 43 years old and my husband is 46 years old. We grew up in the same religion from our youth. We left it (the group) in July 2005 when we discovered the lies and deception about it. All our family and friends are still in the group. The people in the group controlled us mainly with fear. Our family and friends have all turned against us. Since that time we have become involved in another church, but I face extreme moments of anger, fear, depression, loneliness, and profound grief. Then there are other days when my joy and sense of freedom soars to great highs of ecstasy! My husband is still in the anger and denial stage of believing the religious group was not all that bad. We commonly make statements such as: “We were protected by the group and they kept us from many dangers. If it had not been for them we may have ended up in much worse condition. They are all nice people.” I believe we are in need of professional counseling, what do you recommend?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we have been dependent upon anything — a religious group, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, a job, a marriage, etc. — our thoughts normally return to that dependency when we are experiencing stress in our life. Under stress, I’ve heard people with prior addictions say “I could use a drink right now!” or “Even though my spouse was controlling, it might have been better than my current situation”.

Detaching from a dependent relationship, or any relationship for that matter, produces a sense of grief if not bereavement. While you may have new-found freedom of thought and expression, your stress level may have actually increased. It’s amazing but many religions emphasizing love, charity, hope, and positive values tend to support anger, hostility, and mean-spirited behavior toward those who have decided to leave. While I’ve never seen a mean-spirited faith, I’ve seen many mean-spirited churchgoers.

I would recommend professional counseling as well. I don’t think I’d emphasize the counseling from a religious standpoint, as in seeing a religious counselor. Rather, I’d focus on improving your ability to handle current stressors as you move toward a new life and lifestyle.

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