Opening Up About Bullying

Reader’s Question

What steps does a counsellor use in getting to the bottom of a child being bullied? How do you go about getting the child to open up to you?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Counsellors first establish a relationship that includes support, understanding, and above all — safety. Children who are being bullied are not only frightened of the bully — but also frightened of the steps parents, counsellors and educators may take to correct the situation. Children are frightened that the intervention by adults will make the situation worse, like having your neighbor arrested for damaging your property. Following his arrest, now he’s really angry and may increase his torment as part of his retaliation. We make children feel safe by keeping our wits about the situation. Fathers who demand in an angry tone — “You tell me who is bullying you and I’ll go talk to their Dad about this!!” — are more terrifying than the bully. Let the child know that his/her behaviors suggests they are being bullied and that situation is fairly common in school. Also let them know that there are a lot of ways to handle the situation but you’re looking for a solution that doesn’t cause more problems.

In working with children who are being bullied, it’s important to remember that the child may not realize this is common in childhood and school. They may feel alone, as though no solutions are possible. Once the child feels that it’s safe to report the situation, assure them that this is commonplace and strategies can be developed.

Remember that while boys use physical bullying and intimidation, girls use “relationship” aggression. Girls bully as much as boys but spread rumors, verbally insult, kick students out of peer groups, alienate, and emotionally bully other girls. Adolescent girls who are bullied often develop depression and anxiety disorders. When we see the signs of emotional distress, it’s important to address these signs, then later approach the issue of possible bullying as the child feels safe with us.

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