Why Can’t My Husband Provide Compliments?

Reader’s Question

What is wrong with a person who cannot give a compliment? My husband loves to receive them, but never gives them. I mean NEVER. When I asked if he knew this, he replied that he has been told this in the past. I always assumed giving someone you love a compliment came naturally. I don’t understand. Can you explain why? Thanks in advance.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are psychological, social and sometimes family reasons for this behavior. While some folks don’t give compliments due to their personal psychological issues, your situation is most likely related to social learning. Giving and receiving compliments is a social skill. You might notice that when your husband receives a compliment that he still stands there somewhat unresponsive. That’s because compliments are probably a higher-level social skill — a behavior that is a positive extension of one’s self toward another person. People who are introverted, shy, and socially anxious typically don’t give compliments.

A person who gives compliments, even to people they love, must be pretty confident in their social skills. If we think about it, we never know what kind of a reaction we’ll receive. It’s also possible that your husband didn’t receive many compliments growing up and perhaps had shy/introverted parents as a role model.

To deal with this situation, “fish” for compliments from him. While this sounds silly, you’ll be teaching him to prepare himself to give compliments in social situations. In the family, ask him what he thinks of other things as well. Giving compliments is also giving an opinion — something many people are hesitant to provide. With lots of reminders that compliments are appropriate, he may start providing them on his own. Keep in mind however, that not providing a compliment doesn’t mean anything other than he may have problems with this as a social skill. Try not to take it personally.

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