Tormented by Thoughts About Wife’s Affair

Reader’s Question

My wife recently confessed to an office affair which ended many years ago. I never had a clue. Although I have forgiven her, I cannot get the “images” out of my mind. They play in my head every hour of every day, even during happy times. Even ED drugs don’t help much with the impotence that has arisen from this. Am I doomed to years of torment till this fades away? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is one of those weird situations in which your wife’s guilt of many years has been released by her honest admission of the event — but your reaction to this situation is just beginning. Your experience is very common, however. While the affair is years old and over, your reaction and imagined fantasies of the event are very new. You have imagined (the “images”) a variety of sexual situations related to this old affair, most of which are probably more interesting than the original event. Our brain reacts emotionally to what we imagine, real or not real. If we imagine winning a lottery — we automatically smile for example. Your fantasies about her affair are keeping you upset — and now impotent. Keep in mind, the brain only allows one feeling at a time so if you’re trying to be romantic and a negative fantasy enters your thoughts, out goes the romance.

I’d recommend reading the emotional memory article on this website. It will offer strategies to deal with those fantasies and the emotions they produce. Keep in mind that time doesn’t heal anything…only working at our memories, feelings, and reactions will heal. It’s time to get to work.