Found A Soul Mate…Should I Leave My Wife and Family?

Reader’s Question

This is a similar question I’ve seen here before, although a bit different. I have been married for 12 years and have a wonderful wife. The problem being I got married because she was there at the right time. Don’t get me wrong, I believe I loved her although not the soul mate kind. Now I beleive I have found my soul mate, and I feel I am not in love with my wife. I have told her I fell in love with another woman and she wants to try and work on our marriage. I have been doing so, although I can’t stop thinking about the other woman. I also wanted to have more children other than the one we now have. The other woman wants children and we have the same aspirations in life. My wife is content with the way things are now. I know it’s the matters of the heart that make this so difficult. I am wondering if I should stay for the sake of my child and the right thing to do, or is it fair to my wife to lead her along thinking everything is alright when I’m not in love with her?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re in a risky situation here. First of all, most extramarital relationships form when we are under severe stress. During those times we are seeking personal attention rather than personal responsibility (job, partner, children, etc.). The situation often includes depression where the brain reviews our life history and focuses on “the road not taken”. We begin reviewing our past decisions, questioning if we did the right thing, and fantasizing about how our life would be different. The stress also numbs out our feelings for our spouse, job, and family. When the other person arrives, it’s exciting and 100% personal attention. However, if we really think about it, that extramarital relationship is a 5% relationship. We are seeing that person for “dates” rather than a relationship. That’s why it’s so exciting…we’re not paying their bills, doing their laundry, or dealing with real life. It’s like going to Las Vegas for the weekend. It’s a great time but things would be very different if we lived there. Lastly, if you remember your dating years, almost anyone who gives us a lot of personal attention feels like a soul mate. They say what we want to hear because it’s like a job interview.

You’re contemplating a serious and probably permanent change in your life and lifestyle. There’s a lot of risk here. I would recommend seeking counseling before making such a decision based on a 5% relationship. In my experience, people who become so attracted to Las Vegas that they move there end up changing the sheets, collecting the trash, and dealing Blackjack to the people who have exciting three-day visits.