Loss of Trust After Break-Up

Reader’s Question

My girlfriend recently hurt me very badly by leaving me. She left because she was curious about other men and right after she left me she went for someone that she was friends with during our relationship. We’ve been separated for about 3 months, but we just recently got back together and I found out a few details about the break-up that were hurtful and hidden from me at first. I’ve forgiven her for what happened after the break-up and for not telling me. It’s been 2 months since our reconciliation and I’m have a very big problem now: I don’t trust her anymore. She is willing to be patient and give me as much time as I need. She also seems genuinely sorry about what she did and apologized in the proper way. We used to have an amazing relationship where I would never second guess anything she was doing. I just want to know if it would ever go back to how it was and if there is anything she or I could do to restore the trust.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In a way, you’ve been emotionally traumatized by her behavior. Although she has returned, you still have lots of Emotional Memory about the break-up and her behavior. Trust can be reestablished but it will take time. It’s like defaulting on a bank loan — she must rebuild her credit/trust over the next number of months. From your standpoint, you’ve lost a foundation of trust and security that was present in the relationship. If communication is good, you will gradually rebuild your level of trust and security although the incident will remain in your memory and if you’re not careful, you may have a tendency to use it against her in the future…which I don’t recommend. If upset with her over an unrelated situation, you may be likely to remind her of this incident to make her feel uncomfortable. I don’t recommend that. I’d also recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory to develop strategies to deal with the break-up memories.

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