Help Wanted for a 13 Year Old Going Downhill Fast

Reader’s Question

My friend’s sister is 13 and has been going downhill since the age of about 11. She started drinking and smoking which in New Zealand isn’t legal until age 18. My friend blames himself, because he’s always been very intelligent and he thinks pressure was put on his sister to be better. She has now dropped out of school and hangs out with very questionable people in town. There is one homeless man there who is about 25, who I think has forced her to have sex with him. She steals things from her home to give to him, she has an abusive relationship with her parents and brother, she runs away for weeks at a time and causes her parents a lot of unnecessary stress. She has a wonderful home environment… The only possible reason for her being unhappy at home is that she was adopted as a baby, and may feel like she isn’t a part of the family. However, she has always been counted as one of the family, and loved equally with her older brother. I want to do something to help her, and her family, get through this so that she can grow up being confident and happy with who she is.

I was raped as a child, and would like to try talking to her but I don’t want to risk making anything worse for her or her family. My friend, her older brother, thinks she may have a post traumatic disorder causing her to love the man who raped her… What can we do? My friend is 17, I am 18, and we just want to help her.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

At this point in her downhill slide, she would be best helped by getting some professional help. She has turned her life upside down and may need professional help to fix this. Everyone needs to feel they have someone who understands and supports them. Once her drinking, smoking, stealing, and family problems increased — she found this 25-year-old homeless “jerk” (technical term) who claims to understand her rebelliousness and emotionally supports her (as long as she provides something for him). With family and friends upset with her behavior, in a bizarre way she feels Mr. Homeless is the only one who truly understands and defends her. If he has forced or encouraged sexual behavior — he may be guilty of a crime. In the US, A twenty-five year old male who has sexual relationships with a 13 year old is committing rape. She may actually be protecting him for this reason, fearing he will go to jail if their relationship is discovered.

To counter his and other negative influences, family and friends must be supportive and encouraging in another area. Rather than focus on how to behave for example, we encourage her to seek professional help to sort out all the confusion in her life. We volunteer to take her to appointments. We focus on what she wants to do in life (career, future, etc) rather than what she’s done that’s bad so far.

We also recognize that Mr. Homeless may have strong control over her by this point. I’d recommend reading my article on Stockholm Syndrome on this website. It provides some ways to deal with situations in which our friends and loved ones are captives of a controlling or manipulative individual.

When we offer support and encouragement, there’s little risk of making matters worse. We make matters worse when we offer advice, use threats, or intimidate others. Encouraging her to get a third or professional opinion (other than family and Mr. Homeless) causes no harm and is seen to support her future, rather than what she sees as “sides” in the situation. It’s not a her versus the family and friends but rather a situation in which everyone wants to help her through this difficult time in her life.