Wife Chatting and Having Cybersex on the Internet

Reader’s Question

My wife is chatting and having cybersex on the internet. We have talked about this but she thinks it’s OK to exchange pictures and keeps them in her computer. She says that’s all it is, chatting and cybering. But am I wrong for thinking something else is going on? She puts the computer before us at times. She got real mad when I tried to find some of the pics in her computer. She even locks me out of her computer. What should I do? Thanks for any help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you suspect, this is a significant marital issue. People can become obsessed with anything that is pleasurable, exciting, or provides something missing in their lives. One of the negative side effects of the Internet is how it provides a variety of avenues for obsession. Many adults are internet widows/widowers due to their partner’s obsession with online gambling, gaming, chatting, cybersex, pornography, shopping, etc. In some of these areas, people develop fantasy lives that over time, in their mind, become more interesting than their real life.

Something else is going on here. For whatever reason, you wife is becoming obsessed with her fantasy life on the internet. She is also moving deeper into the fantasy as evidenced by exchanging pictures, locking you out while she assures you her behavior is “normal”, and putting her fantasy involvements above the marriage. We often see an attraction to fantasy life when the individual is under stress. The fantasy life allows maximum control of their “fantasy life” while in real life, they feel overwhelmed by forces/stressors they can’t control. The fantasy life also provides the illusion of life characteristics that the person may not have in their real life — the illusion of being attractive, famous, rich, sexy, etc. Difficulties in her real life position may be increasing her obsession with her fantasy life.

I’d recommend marital counseling. I’d also look for signs of stress and/or depression. If this is an abrupt change in her personality, it’s likely that a psychological factor has produced the obsession.

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