Should I Tell My Husband About His Biological Father?

Reader’s Question

Several weeks ago my husband found out from a sibling that his father, who died several years ago, may not be his biological father. His parents had a physically abusive relationship and his mother had an affair before my husband was born. This man and my husband’s mother have since passed away as well. Because of a minor physical trait that the males in his family share, including my husband, he thinks the man that raised him is his father. Now this sibling of his tells me that a letter was found confirming that their mother believed that my husband is the other man’s son and that she had intened to tell my husband the truth. My question is, do I go against his sibling’s wishes and tell my husband what I was told regarding his mother’s letter?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

“Genetics is thicker than water” — I think I just invented that saying but it’s true. A letter that his mother “believed” something is not proof of anything other than her belief. It’s not a paternity test or DNA research. A physical trait in the male line, however, is more of a valid link to paternity than his mother’s belief. It’s not uncommon for individuals involved in an affair to believe that the affair produced a child. At the same time, most folks involved in an extramarital affair continue to have sexual relationships with their on-going marital partner. In short, I’d let it drop. Put your confidence in genetics more than mom’s belief. Based on what you’ve told me, there’s a higher chance that his father is his father. That’s my two cents anyway.

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