Severe Anxiety During Bereavement

Reader’s Question

My grandfather recently passed away and ever since then I’ve had severe anxiety about losing others close to me. I’ve been having dreams about losing other relatives and upon waking, even when I realize that it was just a dream, I still cry when I think about it during the day. It feels too real.

Is it normal to experience this? Is there anything I can do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your experience is uncomfortable…but normal. The loss of a loved one produces not only thoughts about their loss, but thoughts about how the loss of others will affect us. It would not be uncommon for you to think about the loss of your parents or anyone close to you at this time. When we have these thoughts of death and loss, the brain “feels” or creates an emotional state equal to the mood in the thoughts. In other words, if we fantasize about losing a loved one, the brain will create a bereavement feeling. While that sounds pretty strange, it’s the way the brain works. If we have sexual thoughts, we become physically aroused — that kind of thing. When you say it feels too real, remember that your brain doesn’t know it’s not real. This is also why we can wake up crying in a depressing or bereavement dream. General rule — whatever you think about — the brain will give you feelings like those thoughts are happening in real life. You might want to read my article on Emotional Memory on this website. It offers an understanding of how the brain works with memories and emotions.

When you think of your grandfather, think of the good times. When we lose someone, it’s often hard to think about those good times because the recent death is such as strong memory. Try to skip over the thoughts of how he died and remember how he lived.

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