Friend is Depressed and Stalking Ex-Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

A girlfriend of mine has an obsession with her ex boyfriend. It’s been going on for about a year now and it started with just obsessive calling… Then into full blown stalking… And just recently she has made a suicide attempt in order to get his attention.

She is a great person, she’s just a little confused. I know there’s a condition for this addictive behavior, I’m just having a hard time sifting through all the crap online trying to find it. Any ideas?

I’m trying to find a support group for her, or a book, to speed the healing process along. Her family doesn’t understand her condition, neither do I, but at least I recognize that she needs special attention for her problem, not just for suicidal depression, but for an obsession.

Thank you for your thought and time.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your friend is suffering from a clinical depression…it only looks like obsession and stalking. The obsessive and stalking behaviors are so unusual that we get distracted from the fact that she is very depressed and even suicidal. When severely depressed, the brain changes chemistry. We can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t concentrate, lose weight, think too fast, cry all the time, and become preoccupied with the past. These physical symptoms of depression are caused by low levels of a brain neurochemical called Serotonin.

Here’s the problem… Low levels of Serotonin are also related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (as well as anorexia and bulimia). A certain percentage of people who become severely depressed also develop obsessive and compulsive behaviors. It’s not unusual for depressed folks to start counting things, become obsessed with germs/handwashing/illness, etc. It’s also not uncommon for depressed folks to be obsessed with things related to their environment — depressed nurses become obsessed with blood contamination, depressed ministers become obsessed with sinful thoughts, etc.

In your girlfriend’s situation, as part of her severe depression, she became obsessed with her ex-boyfriend. Importantly, this is a psychiatric obsession — not an ex-girlfriend, still-mad-at-him social situation. Because her obsession is based in severe depression, her behaviors must be taken much more seriously (as evidenced by her suicide attempt). The obsession will also not disappear and she will not listen to reason…even from her best friend or family.

Your girlfriend will need psychiatric and mental health consultation/treatment. I would recommend

1. Sharing this information with your girlfriend and her family,
2. Find additional reading on my website (www.drjoecarver.com) on Understanding Depression and Chemical Imbalance,
3. Arrange for consultation with a psychiatrist, and
4. Arrange for counseling/therapy as well as psychiatric treatment.

Encourage your girlfriend not to make any additional moves or behaviors related to her obsession. She is actually in a dangerous time here.

On the good side, we have medications that are very helpful and actually increase the level of Serotonin, significantly helping the depression as well as the obsessive thoughts. She should get into treatment as soon as possible.

By the way, your girlfriend is fortunate to have a friend like you. There’s a television advertisement in the US about mental health problems. It shows a young man and a bunch of friends. Most friends will help move a couch…but only one remains when the fellow is having mental health problems — and here you stand…still there…looking for answers for your friend.