Involved in a Toxic Relationship…Why Do I Lie So Much?

Reader’s Question

I have been dating a guy 9 years younger than me for a year now. I love him and I know that he loves me. In this year I have lied to him on several occasions and have left him 5 times. I can’t seem to talk to him or be honest with him due to his problems. He is a medical marajuana patient for ADHD, he’s 51/50, he was imprisoned for explosives, he may have bipolar and he’s emotionally distraught all the time. He’s burned me, shot me with an airsoft gun which left welts on my back the size of golf balls, choked me 4 times, and continuously puts me down. Now, why do I love him so much? I feel that I have to lie to him to keep him calm. but every time that I do HE KNOWS! Its like he’s psychic. I have now developed this lying habit and even my family has made me aware of it. My question now is how do I stop lying? It’s tearing me and the ones that I love apart. I feel that I have other disorders now which include Hypomania, ADD, depression, I’m emotionally unstable and I now think that I have Bipolar. What do I do first? Is medication right for me? Please help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Right off the bat…you’re involved in a toxic relationship. There is no “medical marijuana” for ADHD that I know of so you’re in a relationship with a chronic drug user, ex-con, physical/emotional abuser, con-artist, and emotionally unstable person. I’ve written an article about these characters on this website entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships“. You’re now developing a form of Stockholm Syndrome due to his abusive behavior — lying to keep him calm and to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. In this situation, you’re in love with him because you’re invested in the relationship. He’s clearly not “loving” to you. This relationship will destroy your relationship with your family and emotionally exhaust you as well.

Clinically, you are experiencing the emotional side effects of a toxic relationship, including depression, stress, anxiety, and suspiciousness. It’s unlikely you have Bipolar Disorder but keep in mind that your personal behavior may have become rather bizarre over the past months as you tried to cope with this relationship. Very few people can act “normal” in an active combat zone.

I’d recommend reading my articles on Identifying Losers and Love and Stockholm Syndrome — both available on this website. You may also want to consider mental health consultation as you are experiencing depressive and anxiety symptoms related to the relationship. I’d seriously consider detaching from this toxic relationship.