My Good Social Skills Are Causing Me Trouble

Reader’s Question

I somehow end up making friends too easily, and very often wishing to terminate most of these friendships. I have what a lot of folks would refer to as ‘excellent people skills.’ I am a good listener, and I have an ability to very quickly understand people on a very deep level — their motivations, personal histories, behavior patterns and the like. I have a lot of insight and empathy. I am supportive. I am a ‘people pleaser.’ For these reasons, a lot of people seem to find me attractive and pursue me fairly agressively. But I tend to hide my true self. And I end up involved with people whom I really can’t respect or identify with. And though I seem to be a very socially competent person, I’m actually a very avoidant person. I am an introvert and I’d much rather spend time with my husband and children than the various folks that seem to be constantly and aggressively persuing my friendship. I end up disgusted by these people and usually just end up avoiding them and failing to return their calls. I wish I could develop a more cool, reserved persona. I’m sick of my constant desire to ‘dump’ half the people that I end up associating with. I actually think that my ‘niceness’ is killing me. Though I recognize this pattern, it goes on and on. Perhaps my only hope is for me to move to a desert island. The idea actually sounds fantasic.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are describing a very common social problem. You have excellent social skills which draw people to you, a situation complicated by your self-description as a people pleaser. While you have these excellent social skills, you basically want to spend time with your family and not spend time engaging in socializing. Both the excellent social skills and your desire to spend time with your family are not problems.

The problem is one of social boundaries. People who are “people pleasers” too often focus on the agendas of those around them rather than what they truly want in life or in social relationships. When many folks find a socially skilled person, they want more contact, to be friends, to socialize with them, and to have frequent contact. Being a people pleaser, you are not sending out a strong enough signal to these folks. Your signal should be “When I’m in a social setting…I’m very social. When I’m at home…I’m at home with my family.” In the community, people pleasers often make promises, agree to meet people, encourage folks to call them if they need anything, and give them impression that they are a new friend just waiting for an invitation. Exactly as you say, your niceness is creating social pressure in your home.

To keep your socializing and your personal life separate, you need to send out clear signals when socializing that you are a “homebody” and family person. Don’t:

1. invite folks to call/drop by/email,
2. promise to do something social with people, and
3. engage in long, personal and insightful discussions with strangers.

Do emphasize that you are a friendly person but family-oriented, that you go places with your family, etc. Keep your own personal information at a minimum.

People love to socialize with people pleasers…as you might imagine. You’ll need to establish boundaries pretty quickly in public. As an example, if you are talking to a male who begins to flirt with you, you can quickly set the boundaries by saying something like “My husband and I don’t do the club scene. We’re more homebodies and into kids’ sports.” You’ll need to start inserting your agenda and your position into your social interactions. When we do that, we aren’t faced with the uncomfortable situation of having a lot of people who want to be our friend when we want to stay home.