How Can I Help My Wife?

Reader’s Question

I do not know how to start… I never thought that it would come to this, that I would need some counselling as far as my family was concerned. But I defnitely need some effective advice as to how I could improve my relationship with my depressed wife. She is constantly sucipicious of me and grows very abusive, agitated and I do not know then how to face her. Most of the times I resort to silence and think that the time will heal everything, but it is deteriorating day by day. The life at home has become unbearable for us.

Facts: She is depressed, jealous, diffident, controlling, suscipicious, distrustful… When I talk to someone she always watches me… I cannot talk freely on the phone as she suspects all the time… She does not repect anyone in the family apart from her sisters. She has her own ideas about things and she is so narrow minded that it becomes difficult to have a normal conversation with her. We cannot watch TV or a movie together because if something happens in there then she starts making a scene out of it… If half-naked women are displayed in advertisements or commercials, she watches me if I am watching… But the fact is that you watch the advertisement or TV program for content and entertainment and not nudity. It is so difficult to explain to her that it is alright and that all watch the TV normally.

She gets upset with the little things and the days pass by when she becomes normal. When upset then she is extremely abusive and shouts and is difficult to manage. Her side of the story is that I look at girls. It is so difficult going out with her and going out to anybody’s place as she is suspicious of all my actions and when back home has myriad questions… I have tried to be very normal and then even she comes back with the same attitude, saying I was doing something which I never thought in my mind.

I love her and love my family, but nothing remains normal in our day to day life at home. I am always positive and want to improve things at home, but am at crossroads and have run out of ideas. Lately she is getting bolder in her negative approach towards me and I do not know how to handle her. She has started talking very ill things about me to my daughter who is hardly 10yrs. And I am at a total loss and do not know how to console her that I am just a normal person and that I do not intend to do anything to anyone — and that I love my daughter so much.

Each day in my life is hellish and do not know how to spend each minute of the day. I have got good friends, but do not know how to talk to anyone about it. Just because of this the priorities in life are being ignored and this is so undesirable. I have to agree to her in all respect as I do want to have peace in house, but in spite of that something or the other triggers her and she becomes abusive with her repetitive dialogues…

Your help in this will be highly appreciated, because I do not know where to go for help. Could you please direct me how to seek help? I am wondering if I could seek some psychological help for her so that she becomes normal. I always look at the happy couples around and feel so sad that we can be, but just because of her conditions we are not able to.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When considering this type of behavior, we must first answer a question — Has she always been like this or is this behavior something that has surfaced recently or over the past year or so? If she’s always been insecure, jealous, suspicious, and controlling then a solution is more difficult. In fact, people who have this personality become more suspicious and controlling under stress.

If these behaviors have gradually surfaced and increased over the past few years, then this is more likely related to mental health issues. This is especially true if these behaviors have never been part of her “normal” personality. If you’re getting comments like “What’s wrong with her?” or “That’s not like her” — then it’s more likely to be a depressive disorder. When depressed, we become highly insecure and our brain fills with negative and pessimistic thoughts. We begin taking everything in our environment very personally — and negatively. We become agitated, can’t sleep, and our thoughts are preoccupied with events in the past — all bad events of course.

Mental health intervention is recommended in this situation. Her physician may be of help if she is willing to discuss the situation with him or her. She is unlikely to discuss her suspiciousness of you or those around her. Instead, suggest that she discuss with her physician her problems with sleep, her irritability, her temper, or her fatigue (all physical symptoms of depression). Physicians are quick to identify depression — but only when the patient is willing to discuss their symptoms.

Another option is to suggest marital counseling. When depressed, an individual is so self-absorbed and preoccupied that they often don’t realize how they are acting toward those around them. An impartial, third opinion often helps them realize that they are changed in their behavior and may need treatment.