Loss of Trust in a Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have a quick question. I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. Everything has been fine other than back in May, I caught him on the computer trying to chat with other women. I was shocked because he didn’t seem like the type to do this and is not a computer person at all. I told him if it continued, I would not continue in the relationship. He promised me it would not. The only other thing is shortly after that, I found a girl’s phone number in the console of my car — which he was driving at the time. He told me this girl walked up to him, gave him her number and after work, he took it out of his pocket and laid it in the console of the car. I asked him why he didn’t throw it away and he said he really didn’t think much more about it. Richard is a nice-looking man and women do flirt with him, so it didn’t surprise me that someone would have given their number to him.

Ever since then, from time to time, I check his phone. This morning he caught me checking it and got mad and said, “why do you still look at my phone, do you still not trust me?” Realizing some people do think that is an invasion of privacy, the other part of my thinking was if he doesn’t have anything to hide, why get so defensive? I couldn’t care less if he looked at my phone log or text messages — I have nothing to hide. Then, he got out of bed and went over to his closet in the other room to check…I believe his wallet…that he keeps on a shelf. Then I am thinking what is so important in that closet or wallet? If I brought this up to him, he would say that I am over-analyzing again.

Question: Am I wrong to look in his phone and check text messages from time to time? Is his defensiveness a sign of hiding something or does he just feel like I have no business looking?

Do I trust him? Not totally, nor would I trust any imperfect human being totally. I am not that naive.

Thanks, Dr. Carver.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Several events have occurred in the relationship that have shaken the foundation of your trust. You’re still having difficulty with those events. When we have a crisis in trust, we are often a bit traumatized. Following the event, we are then suspicious and apprehensive — anticipating another incident. In an effort to control that uncomfortable feeling, you are now checking his phone and text messages. His reaction to this invasion of privacy is actually rather normal. He’s not defensive as much as he is offended. If the local police searched your home once a week — you’d be very offended even though you have nothing to hide.

A classic component of paranoia and suspiciousness is too much thinking and too much analysis. This type of distrust will become a major problem in your relationship. You’ll spend a lot of time second-guessing his comments and behavior. If he doesn’t want to go to a certain restaurant, you may think there’s a special reason for that, etc.

In my way of thinking…I’d rather go through a trust-challenging incident once a year than be paranoid every day during that year. Suspiciousness, distrust, jealousy, and insecurity will emotionally exhaust both of you. Let the issue drop and don’t be concerned unless a clear/obvious incident of mistrust surfaces. Keep in mind that being suspicious doesn’t keep bad things from happening to us. It does however keep us from enjoying the good times.