Grandmother Critical of New Mom’s Childcare

Reader’s Question

Hi, I have a problem. My boyfriend and I have a six month old little girl, and we are living with his grandmother. It seems that whenever I say or do anything to better my daughter’s life the grandmother goes off. Either she cries or starts yelling at me. When I was growing up I was never treated this way. How do I deal with her, especially when she says she can do a better job raising my daughter than what I can? Please help me.

–Sad Mommy

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The problem is probably not you as a parent, your boyfriend, your little girl, or the grandmother. The problem is most likely the living situation. The Grandmother has suddenly found herself hosting not only her grandson, but his wife (you) and an infant girl. Anyway you look at it, that’s a crowded house. There’s a lot of psychology theories that come to play here:

• Most likely, Grandmother is stressed out. Her calm, quiet retirement now has three extra people — one of whom cries frequently and needs constant attention. While Grandmother has volunteered to help by allowing you to stay at her home, she may still be resentful about the stress, noise, and turmoil in the home. Combining her stress level and her resentment, she makes some very hateful or insulting comments to you. Again, this is the situation, not Grandma’s normal personality (I hope not anyway!).
• Due to your stress and Grandmother’s insulting comments, you have probably tried to avoid her or not say much too her. This is the wrong approach and only makes Grandmother more resentful. Being a new mother, Grandma expects you to ask her about parenting, childrearing, what to do if the baby has gas, etc. In a way, if you’re not asking for her help and support, she may feel disrespected. You’re a new mom and if you were in the presence of your mother, you would be asking those kinds of questions. Grandma expects them too. Rather than view childcare as a competition, talk with Grandma about the best way to stop a child crying, to deal with teething, etc. I know you want to show how you can raise your child…but allow Grandma to help and you’ll find the atmosphere of the home change dramatically.
• The fact that Grandmother cries at times tells us that the stress of the situation is getting pretty high. If possible, start arranging for time away from the home if possible. Give Grandmother a rest and take the child and the three of you go somewhere as a family. When folks break down and cry in situations, the stress is typically overwhelming. Encourage Grandma to visit her friends/family. Leave the child with Dad and you and Grandma go shopping for baby items (and listen to her advice!). Make her part of your new family and the stress in the home will drop considerably.
• Don’t take Grandmother’s comments personally. Right now, you are probaby as stressed as she is, maybe more. It’s very common for new mommies to question their parenting/childcare skills. I can read 100 books on flying an airplane but sitting on the runway in the pilot’s seat waiting to take off is something totally different. You’re the pilot now and you’ll need a co-pilot. Instead of taking Grandma’s comments personally and being offended, work as a team. When my daughters were infants, we called my mother-in-law constantly. I called once because my daughter was making strained facial expressions. Mother-in-law laughed and informed me it was a bowel movement. No problem.

Until you and your new family can move to a place of your own, work better with what you’ve got. You may find Grandma to be a good co-pilot.