Trust Issues in a Marriage

Reader’s Question

There is a trust issue I have with my husband because he lied to me on more than one occasion. We had decided that when I am feeling insecure or unsure of his truthfulness I would ask him directly about what I was feeling uncomfortable or doubtful about and we would discuss the issue right then. This doesn’t work because he becomes angry and now violent. He says he is at the end of his rope. I do not question him all the time, not once a week or month for that matter. However, when I feel like he isn’t being honest with me I will let him know I am having some difficulty with what he is saying to me.

My question is, “Should he have tolerance with my doubts until there comes a time when I feel secure and re-assured or should I just simply believe everything without question and get over it?”

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This situation creates a cycle that just gets worse. He lies and you question him. He becomes angry and defensive, and as you mention, violent in his reaction. His reaction makes you more hesitant to ask him for reassurance yet you remain unsure and your tension builds. Finally, you ask for assurance again and he explodes and the cycle begins again.

There are so many issues here. Is he still doing things that make you feel he is lying? If he’s not, then he probably feels you are not forgiving him and will continue to question him, no matter what he does. Both of you are probably frustrated that those original discussions didn’t solve the situation. From his view, the original situation is over but from your standpoint, you now worry and question what other lies may have been told. It a way, the trust foundation of your relationship has been damaged.

It’s often helpful to focus on the positive and negative of the situation, not the individual. In this way, when he does things that make you feel secure, tell him so. If he calls you from an out-of-town meeting, let him know that the call is helpful and positive. If we only discuss issues when they are negative, the trust will only deteriorate.