Verbally Abusive Husband Wants a Divorce

Reader’s Question

My husband drinks a lot and is verbally abusive. He has now decided after 6 and three quarters years of marriage that he wants a divorce and doesn’t want any contact with me, my grown children from another marriage, and not even our grandchildren (there are three 4 year olds and one 6 month old). He says that all our problems are their fault because I want to spend time with them and family and he suddenly doesn’t want to be around anyone and has even left the state (went to Vegas for 5 days, alone) to get away from us. He doesn’t even want to talk to his mother or brother. I don’t know what to do except get my half and walk away. Family is important to me and was to him when we first got married, but now it isn’t. Please help me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband’s drinking issues, verbal abuse, and hostile detachment from the family suggest he has significant personality problems. You might want to read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. A person with a personality disorder is often able to “dump” their marriage, children, and even extended family. They can do this by blaming all their problems on other people, denying personal responsibility for their behavior, and becoming totally self-centered in their attitude.

If he has personality problems, evidence will be present in his history. He will have always had difficulties in relationships and have a history of verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and problems with anger. In short, people with personality problems have these behaviors in their history — they just become more exaggerated during a divorce or crisis.

If your husband has always been family-oriented, his drinking and verbal abuse are recent developments, and he has just suddenly begun acting in this bizarre manner — then another issue may be present. If his behaviors are “out of character” for him and totally unexpected by his family and friends, then he may be experiencing a depression or other mental health problem.

I’d recommend seeking counseling or mental health consultation. The family will be looking to you for support and you’ll need to be as strong as possible. You’ll also need to protect yourself legally. If he has a personality disorder (see Loser article), he will have no difficulty being unfair in any divorce settlement or situation.