Parent Preoccupied with Daughter’s Eating

Reader’s Question

I am the mother of a 17 year old girl, the last child left at home. I recognize that I have a problem trying to control her eating patterns. She is a little bit overweight. On the surface I would say “I only have her best interests at heart” but inside I know it’s fear that is motivating my actions. Fear that she will become unattractive to guys by being overweight. Should I not ever say ANYTHING about what she eats? Even if it’s snacking late at night? etc. She has expressed herself very plainly that she views me as being controlling. I agree and tell her I know it’s my problem, not hers. I apologize and do better for awhile. Then, I see her grab a snack at bedtime and I lose it. Please help me. I don’t want to destroy a relationship with my daughter.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are trying to control more than her eating. You are trying to control her attractiveness, trying to make getting a boyfriend or husband easier, and watching her every move. When you describe your reaction to her bedtime snack as “I lose it”, you are clearly overly invested in her behavior and life. Even a mild temper tantrum when you see her with a bedtime snack is too much reaction. From your daughter’s standpoint, you’re becoming not only controlling, but hypercritical. She is probably viewing each comment as a type of criticism.

Your personal involvement and emotional connection to her eating is important here. When I see this situation in clinical practice, it’s often because the parent experienced a similar situation in their childhood. In a way…and here’s the psychological theory part…you are experiencing what you think is her misery about eating, weight, being attractive, etc. In truth, your daughter may be very mature and have little or no distress about her situation.

Rather than watch every move you daughter makes toward the kitchen, you should emphasize her independence and empower her to control her life. If her self-esteem is high, she would lose weight or improve her attractiveness — when she wants to do so. By constantly focusing on her weight and eating behavior, you are damaging your relationship with her. If you’re not careful, she’ll come to view you as the “food police” instead of a loving mother.

You may want to seek counseling for this situation. I suspect her behavior is triggering some “emotional memories” in you, perhaps from years ago. That would explain your excessive reaction to her eating behavior. You can read my article on Emotional Memory on this website to see if my theory is correct. We often see ourselves in our children and when we do, we project our feelings, insecurities, and goals on them. When this happens, the child has no idea where our overreaction is coming from and views us as being overly critical or controlling.