Three-Month Relationship…Where is This Going?

Reader’s Question

I have been dating this gentleman for over 3 months now. It is hard for me to figure out the direction we are headed. We both are busy and we mainly end up going to the store and picking up something to eat and then giong back to his house, having dinner and then watching a movie. I am completely fine with that because my work schedule is around 50hrs a week. We have a lot in common, but it seems that he is taking the relationship a lot more casually than I am for some reason. Or is this a man problem? I am the type of person who doesn’t need a lot of physical contact. We do not have to see each other every day, but I do like to make sure that you are still present and that everything is going alright. When we are together we have a lot of fun. We laugh tremendously, and well, he is able to make me feel completely happy. It is just when we are not together the lack of effort he makes to just reach out and say, “hey, I am good — just wanted to let you know”. We may go for a week or almost two with zero contact. I care about him a lot, but it’s hard for me to commit when as of just this morning he is still not able to admit to his parents that he is dating someone. But then on the other hand last night at dinner he asked me when he will be able to meet my daughter. For me that is the last step of defining my realtionship with someone. I do not bring men that I am dating around my daughter; they may not last long. I am not sure what to make of what is going on. I am just not sure if it is his insecurity about relationships or not. When I tell him how I feel about him and our relationship, he tells me that no one has ever said that to him. I just don’t know if he has actually had a woman care enough to care about him and his work with no attached strings.

So I am really confused.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s possible that you are both sending and receiving confusing signals. You mention that you don’t need a lot of physical contact and describe the relationship as “casual”. At the same time, you describe how it’s hard for you “to commit” to the relationship. It’s likely that you both have a different definition of “casual”. He may be viewing the relationship as “casual” with minimal obligation for “relationship maintenance” behaviors such as frequent calls to say hello, emails, etc. You may also view the relationship as “casual” but be looking for assurances that a relationship is actually present — not just two people who meet for dinner and a movie. From his perspective the relationship may be great fun and entertaining as it is, so much so that he wants to meet your daughter. You question where the relationship is heading yet are uncomfortable about your next steps such as introducing him to your daughter. Both of you are being guarded and protective at this point, something not unusual for a 3-month relationship. He won’t recognize the relationship with his parents and you are the same with your family. This is clearly a definition of being in a “casual” relationship — we don’t need to inform our families that we’re “dating”. The next step in the relationship is probably public/family acknowledgement that you are a couple. Based on your limited contact with each other, that step may still be months off.

My sense is the relationship is going well…but going slow. Dating every two weeks, for example, barely meets the criteria for casual dating (if there are criteria!). Frequency of dating/contacts, level of intimacy, public acknowledgment, etc. are all factors that determine the level of a relationship. If you can trust each other, you may want to have one of those “What do we do next” discussions. He’s already suggesting a move up the relationship ladder and you may ask for a counter move — an introduction to his family. I’m not sensing anything sinister here, just a couple who get along well but are unsure of the next step.

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