Having an Affair — What Should I Do?

Reader’s Question

I know this makes me sound like the biggest scumbag on the planet, but that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m married with one child and another on the way. I met a woman at a recent company retreat (who is also married, but without children), and we had sex — although there is an intense physical attraction between us, I’ve also found that I can talk to her about things that my wife has no interest in. She lives many miles away, so we’re not sneaking around together, but I’m also finding that she and I connect on an emotional level as well. My wife is a wonderful woman and a tremendous mother, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t feel like I’m in love with her — and honestly, I don’t know if I ever was — and this new woman seems to have everything that I would normally look for in a partner. So my question is this: What should I do? I know the honorable thing is to break it off with the other woman and not tempt myself by contacting her, but I feel more alive when I’m talking to her than I do in my marriage, which is why I’m struggling — ending this would feel like I was giving up and sentencing myself to a life of mediocrity. To complicate things, my wife’s sister is in the middle of a divorce and her father was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer, so that, coupled with the fact that we’re expecting a new child makes leaving right now completely out of the question. So I know what I do now: stay with my wife. But for how long? Do I completely forego this blossoming relationship and stay in my marraige for my kids and wife, or do I keep it going, albeit quietly, until there’s a better time to leave my wife?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Seventy percent of all extramarital affairs occur during times of high stress. The reason — the other person carries no burden of responsibility, pressure, obligations, etc. In an affair, it’s like going to Las Vegas each visit. Your stressors are high now — new baby on the way, wife too stressed to be more attentive, father-in-law ill, etc. When we are in such a situation we are strongly drawn to situations that have minimal or “0″ responsibility. The other woman may be in the same situation. Your “fling” with her was like a Vegas trip — lots of fun and you aren’t responsible for the electric bill or clean-up. Sadly, visiting Vegas isn’t the same as living there. Your extramarital relationship isn’t blossoming — it’s entertaining. It will only stay fun as long as real life doesn’t intrude. This is the reason 95% of extramarital affairs end in Nothing.

You’re psychologically running away from home here, most likely due to the significant increase in responsibility over the past year. The fact that you’re now replaying the video of your marriage and questioning if you ever loved your wife tells me you are likely to be stressed if not depressed. Second-guessing our life is a classic depressive symptom.

I’d recommend seeing a counselor to help sort out your feelings. Your new relationship is artificial and will be damaging to you and your family. It will only add to the heartache already present in your family. I would return to your family, assist your wife in coping with the severe stressors in both your lives, and focus on making the marriage and family better. The grass is different, not actually greener on the other side of the fence. People who love Vegas and move there suddenly find they must get a job, pay utilities, get the kids to school, deal with traffic, etc. Locals rarely visit “the strip”. They have too many real-life obligations.

That’s my two cents.