Everyone Uses Me…What Should I Do?

Reader’s Question

My family is a weird one, or maybe not. I am a 40 year old mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, and full time student. I am all those things to everyone. My boyfriend is a person that is not faithful and is not shy about telling me about his escapades. I was raised by my aunt and uncle and was abandoned by my mother and father. I have one sister (she lives in London, England) that is just as damaged as I am but we are trying to get it together. My question is how and when do I find time to do something for myself? Am I being selfish? I feel like I am drowning in trying to please everyone and nothing is getting completed. Please give me some advice. I don’t think that my blood pressure can stand it much longer.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your self-esteem is probably damaged, perhaps by your upbringing. When we are abandoned and rescued by others/relatives, we often develop the sense that pleasing people is the only way we can stay safe, keep a place to live, have food, etc. As we become an adult, we retain that personality of pleasing everyone…except ourself. As a result, we become a victim of disrespect, use, manipulation, and even abuse. We can’t set boundaries with people, especially those close to us. We also feel bad when doing something for ourselves, something selfish, because… (here’s the psychology theory part) that would be how our mother and father acted in abandoning us! In truth, your parents left because they were incompetent parents — you weren’t an incompetent or bad child.

If you’re a full-time student, I’d focus on your career, rebuilding self-esteem and establishing boundaries. Your boyfriend is probably a jerk and that relationship will likely end in nothing…except continuing your low self-esteem. I’d read my article on Identifying Losers on this website for some insight into his character. It’s a fact of life that if we start handing out money, we’ll soon be surrounded by beggars. Start setting up boundaries with those around you. Give and do only so much. Use your schooling as a reason for the change in your behavior. Also set aside time for yourself to do something entertaining or enjoyable. That’s not being selfish, it’s keeping your mental health in good shape. You can also set up goals/assignments to be completed, two piles, short-term and long-term. Start accomplishing things for you and your career. As you change, those around you will be forced to change as well, probably for the better. Counseling would also help you to sort out the stressors in your life. Good luck in your educational pursuits.

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