Boyfriend Unsure About the Relationship. What Can I Do?

Reader’s Question

Hello, I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together for a year and a half. Things were wonderful for the first year and then things took a change. He felt like he didn’t want the obligations of a relationship. However, once I backed off to let him get what he needs, eventually he starts treating me and acting like we’re in a relationship again. I love him so much and I’m really under severe emotional distress because it is so easy for him to not care. Monday he wants to be around me and loves me so much and then Tuesday, it’s like he doesn’t even know me. I try to express to him how this hurts me and confuses me but he turns on that “I don’t care” attitude and it’s like he never even knew me. That will last for about 2 days and then the next week he’s right back loving me. It goes back and forth and when I try to talk to him and tell him how this makes me feel, here comes the attitude and he acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He just gets mean and brushes me off and acts like he doesn’t love me at all.

It just hurts so badly that someone who loves me so much and treats me so great can be this way towards me. I’m tired of crying and trying to do something to make him aware of what he is doing. He never wants to talk and eventually the same things come back up again. It’s like we have so much in common and get along wonderfully — until he switches moods on me. I know that he really loves me but his attitude and tone towards me at times make me think otherwise. I just want to stop crying and feeling depressed. What do I do? How do I gain my control back? How can I quit reaching out to him?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While the two of you have a lot in common, one of those factors isn’t emotional maturity. It’s likely that he isn’t mature enough for a long-term relationship yet. At his age of 21, you are probably his first significant relationship and he’s being confronted by issues in the relationship he’s never encountered before. It’s unknown at this point if he will be capable or willing to mature into a good partner. A five year age difference isn’t much when you’re older but there’s a large maturity and emotional difference between being 26 and 21. At this point, he’s not mature enough to discuss your concerns without using “an attitude” with you. That’s not a good sign.

I sense that part of the issue is your fantasy about the relationship. If we want to know how people truly are — look at their behavior. While you feel he really loves you, for example, his behavior says he loves you one day, the next day something else is more important, and he’s on-and-off in his dealings with you. His behavior tells you he has an unstable commitment to the relationship, something that creates risk for the future.

Many people in your situation place the relationship on probation…that is, give him a certain number of months to see if he can mature enough for you to stay. If he continues this pattern until January 2008 for example, then you should move on. At his age, his behavior can continue for a number of years with your heart being tugged around hoping he will eventually mature. In truth, some people mature…some don’t. Protect yourself from his immaturity. He is unlikely to be concerned for how his behavior is troubling you for example.

If you suspect something worse is going on, I’d recommend reading my Identifying Losers article on this website. It offers characteristics of abusive, controlling, and manipulating individuals. If he has many of those features, you should probably move away sooner.