Sight of Babies Makes My Heart Ache

Reader’s Question

Three months after my youngest child was born, my husband convinced me that it was time for him to have a vasectomy. That was four years ago, and I don’t think that I was really ready for him to do it.

How do I get over this overwhelming feeling of sadness and emptiness every time I see a baby or every month when my period comes? My heart aches.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The description of “overwhelming sadness” is a key part of this situation. When such a feeling is triggered by the sight of a baby or by a physical state related to pregnancy, there’s a good chance you are struggling with Emotional Memory. Emotional Memories are those that contain strong feelings that follow the triggering of a memory. When we relate an exciting memory, that’s what produces the smile on our face. In this situation, I would imagine that you experienced a post-partum depression with your last childbirth, a situation that creates an intense Emotional Memory associated with childbirth, pregnancy, etc. The emotions linked to memories of that time are now triggered by the presence of a baby or even expecting mother.

Your situation is further complicated during your period as hormone changes often trigger a brief depression and mood change. The link of your monthly cycle with pregnancy, childbirth, delivery, etc. triggers those same memories. With each triggering event, you basically “relive” the post-partum or depressive experience.

When we can’t “get over” something, that’s also typically related to Emotional Memory. Emotional Memories are like prerecorded MP3s in our brain. Once they start playing, the song is still the same. Your heart aches the same way each time, for example. The same thoughts are in your head…emptiness, sadness, a sense of regret, etc.

I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory on this website. I’ve offered strategies and techniques for dealing with Emotional Memories that may be helpful. If the depressive feelings are intense, you will be helped with the use of an antidepressant, easily provided by your OB/GYN. What you are describing is a type of long-standing moderate depression that intensifies during your monthly cycle. An antidepressant is your best treatment option for this reason. Counseling would also be helpful as such feelings can gradually undermine your relationships with your loved ones.