Problem with Husband’s Kids

Reader’s Question

Hi, I have a problem with my feelings towards my husband’s kids. They are good kids. One is 15 and another 18, and the oldest is going to college and will be living with us. I feel like I cannot share my husband’s attention with them, and I get jealous all the time though try not to show this. I have a son of my own; he is 9, and I feel that there is a double standard for kids. I am back to college now. Just a couple years ago I moved to the US from another country and my husband makes all the money, so I do not feel as confident here as back in my country. My husband loves me and I love him, but it is hard for me to live with his older girl. I like peace and quite at home, but she is loud and wants all the house to turn around her. I do not know what to do. I hate when she is at home and often my husband wants her to go out with us; it spoils my day. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown soon, especially when my college classes starts, as I am trying to enter a difficult college programm. Is something wrong with me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There is nothing wrong with you although your stress level is high. Over the last few years, your life has seen many big changes. You’ve moved to the US, entered college, and now have gained a typical American teenage stepdaughter. Your stress level and responsibilities have greatly increased as you mention your difficult college program. In the middle of this high stress lifestyle, you are dealing with the normal issues found in a blended family — where two families have combined to form one. While it looks like you are competing for your husband’s attention with the children — you are not. Your relationship with your husband is loving yet totally different than his relationship with the children. When five people are in the family, there will be a competition for attention and time, both of which are very valuable for you right now.

A high level of stress and responsibility can reduce our self-confidence and self-esteem. We become insecure in relationships and often need support and attention. We begin looking at loved ones for signs of their support — are they paying attention to us, do they say the right things, etc. Your family is very active now and your husband’s attention is being shared with the three children. You’ll find that the teenage stepdaughter will be very demanding in terms of time, attention, family focus, and emotion. She may be loud, emotionally hypersensitive, materialistic, and self-centered — all normal for her age (I have two daughters!). She will mature out of this stage eventually. Keep in mind that her behavior and attention/time seeking is not related to you, it’s related to her maturity level. At a restaurant, she’ll monopolize the conversation, tell dramatic stories, and provide verbatim conversations with her classmates. Again, try not to be offended as this is a developmental stage and not an attempt to steal the attention of your husband. When you compare her demands and behavior with your son, it would seem that your son is being treated differently. At his age, he’s probably more quiet than his stepsister.

I would recommend researching methods of stress reduction. You should also focus on your college program. Your relationship with your husband is firm and already established. Both of you will be sharing the needs of the three children, including needs for attention, time, money, and support. Work together with your husband as a team and develop a strategy to deal with the daughter’s immaturity, your son’s quiet needs, and the entrance into adulthood by the oldest child. You’re going to be very busy over the next few years. You may find that focusing on your college program may be the only peace you find in the home.

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