Am I Attracted to a Person or to the Fantasy?

Reader’s Question

I’m 45 and married. I got to know an entertainer — singer cum actor, aged 35, bachelor. I got to know him when he performed at a hotel lounge 5 months ago. He responded to me well. I’m not sure whether it’s him that I want so much or is it because of his songs that were my favourites that makes me want him? He’s aware it’s forbidden between us but he just said to let it be. Am I being selfish? Being married but still wanting to be with him so very very much. Am I sinful?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This sounds like a song by Harry Chapin (my favorite songwriter). You’ve had a fantasy romance, heightened by the fact that it’s forbidden, you love his songs, you imagine how he must be by the songs he sings, and it was an adventure. I often refer to these experiences as “emotional affairs”. The fantasy creates an artificial closeness and for that reason, intense feelings and attractions can develop. Emotional affairs are very common and often occur between co-workers, friends, neighbors, and people working together on projects.

In real life, your life is probably better than his reality — living out of a suitcase, working the hotel-lounge circuit, being far away from his fantasy of making it big in Vegas or Nashville, and barely making a living. He’s trying to live his fantasy as well but with each hotel lounge gig, he gets further away.

You’ve had one of those song adventures. A meeting by chance, a fantasy affair, and being separated forever by real life. The entertainer and the Beatles offer the best advice here — “Let It Be”. Enjoy the fact that your fantasy life is still working. This is something for you to remember…and no one else. It’s not sinful or selfish…it just happens from time to time.

There are songs written about these situations such as “Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I’d recommend returning to your marriage and trying to breathe some new life into it. You know now that you want more adventure in your life. Plan for it.