My Boyfriend is Very Odd

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend is very odd; he gets major stress headaches and takes aspirin every day. He will not say good bye when he leaves or if he is getting off the phone. He answers questions with questions. He drinks every night. He has his own business and is successful, but I have such a hard time understanding him. What could be wrong with him? I do not know anything about his childhood except they had no money.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

If by “no money” you are describing poverty, it’s possible that your boyfriend survived poverty or his childhood situation by using a variety of rituals, superstitutions, and quirks. Those have not grown into adult behaviors. Children from high-turmoil homes often become obsessive-compulsive in an attempt to control their disorganized environment, that kind of thing. Under stress, these old behaviors and other coping strategies are exaggerated. He clearly is under stress as evidenced by the nightly drinking and major stress headaches.

It also sounds like your boyfriend may be keeping you at an emotional distance. If you don’t know anything about his childhood, he doesn’t respond to questions, and you have a hard time understanding him — then he’s not revealing much. This is not that uncommon in new relationships as he may be cautious about revealing himself. However, if you’ve been dating for a long time and he’s still not revealing much — then what you see is what you get. The relationship may have reached an emotional standstill where he’s not willing to move to the next level. Keep in mind that “very odd” means he’s operating in a way that’s unusual or unpredictable. If this continues, it may be related to a personality issue or problem, something that’s unlikely to change.

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