Friend Needs Help…What Can I Do?

Reader’s Question

I have a very dear male friend that is turning 50 this year. He is having an extremely difficult time with it. He recently confided in me and I didn’t know what to say or do for him. He is a highly intelligent Dr and professor in his field. This puts a lot of pressure on me giving advice because I already see him as knowing all. I would appreciate any advice you can offer. This is truly the one only time I have ever seen him needing a friend. Usually he is there for me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your friend is likely under a lot of stress and may even be depressed. This psychological state makes turning 50 more difficult as when depressed, we do a life review, especially “the road not taken”. He will be reviewing his past, be troubled about the future, and will wonder if his current life is meaningful. That is often interpreted as a “midlife crisis” of sorts.

He’s not coming to you for advice. He’s coming to you because he feels emotionally close and comfortable enough to talk to you. He’s talking to you as a friend and trusted person. You don’t need to have all the answers. He probably just wants to talk it out with you. If you worry too much about giving advice you’ll become too anxious to help him.

There are some guidelines for you in this situation:

• Recognize with him that he is going through a difficult passage in life…and that stress and fret is common during this time.
• Advise him to do things that stabilize — not destabilize. Don’t quit your job, don’t buy something expensive and impractical, and don’t do anything inappropriate.
• Look for signs of physical depression — sleeplessness, fatigue, loss of appetite, can’t concentrate. If these are present, discuss with him the need for medical or mental health consultation. Even volunteer to accompany him to the appointment.
• Keep all of his discussions confidential.
• It’s your turn to be there for him. This is how friendship works. Listen more than talk. Understand more than evaluate and judge.
• You might want to study the signs of depression and educate yourself what to look for, just in case. If he’s not normally the type of person who seeks advice, he may be emotionally hurting right now. Keep in mind that being an expert in a field doesn’t make you an expert in all fields. A good old fashioned depression may actually be over his head…thus needing your support and help.

I’m sure he appreciates your friendship during this difficult time.