Old Memories Intrude Into a Wonderful Relationship

Reader’s Question

Hi, I am a 29 year old woman in a relationship with a wonderful man. This man is attractive, outgoing, humourous, complimentary and treats me like gold. We have a healthy relationship and communicate well. He often communicates that he wants to marry me — so why am I writing you? The reason I am writing you is because 5 years ago I was in a relationship with someone whom I knew was “the one” I wanted to spend my life with. I was “in lust & love” with him and despite the drama in our relationship (love triangle), my love never faltered. I moved away for a year, and that relationship ended. It took me quite a few years to let go of that relationship and come to the realization that the relationship would never be what I wanted it to be.

Now that I am in a new wonderful and healthy relationship for one year now, I have guilt that as much as I care deeply for my new man — I don’t feel like I’m “in love”. I’ve tried consulting others for their opinion and some say that lust fades anyways, so as long as you communicate and have a great foundation…that’s a connection.

Early in the relationship I was open about my difficulty “falling in love”, but in the last six months I haven’t had the heart to share my guilt. I know deep down that I don’t want to end the relationship, and that I would feel regret doing so, and I feel I owe it to his heart to hold on and give this relationship a chance. I am willing to spend the rest of my life with this man because we fit very well together in every aspect…except for the guilt I feel that I’m not as “head over heels” for him as he is of me.

Do you have any self-help advice you can offer for me to let go of this guilt I feel, and be free to enjoy what I have? Or am I being foolish in thinking my love will grow?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

No partner — no matter how perfect, kind, loving, attractive, and wonderful — can compete with a fantasy! You had the fortune to have been involved in one of those lustful and fantasy relationships in the past for a brief time. You’ve hit the jackpot! That relationship didn’t work out, and probably for reasons you avoid thinking about, as you don’t want to devalue the fantasy.

In truth, you may never find that type of “lust” or head-over-heels feeling again as that emotional memory (see article on this website) is specific to that relationship. I would suggest that rather than view your feelings as guilt, view them as a wonderful memory of a rare experience. Lots of people visit the city of their dreams and have wonderful memories of the visit, but return to their city with those memories. Don’t focus on your prior lustful memories (except in private), rather build new and different memories with your new partner. The fact that it’s a good relationship makes more wonderful…but still different…memories likely.

Most folks would give a lot for a brief lustful adventure like yours…just to have the memories. Enjoy having that experience in your life and prepare for additional adventures. Keep in mind that while your previous partner may have been the target of your exciting admiration — you may now be the target of that same level of love and affection from your current partner. You don’t have to let go of your wonderful memories to have a new relationship. In the long run your new relationship may be more wonderful as time passes, especially if you work on trying to make that happen rather than comparing feelings in this relationship to those in a previous relationship. Move on with your life and see what happens. There are likely more adventures to come.